Kiki's Expedition Robinson babble

(Week 8)

Good morning disaster tourists. It's time for your Friday morning island newspaper again. Time for new babbles. Time to kick off the weekend by chatting about the eleven lucky bastards still participating in the most beautiful program on Dutch television.

Or eh, well lucky lucky... (looks at Marlé and Shelly...) More on that later. Is it just me, or can we talk about the most horrific episode so far? All three islands are emptying like diarrhea, camp north disturbed, camp south rembo, camp ON'ers, everything is schluss yes. The merging, the dreaded eating test, Kim Jong-Soun who suddenly resurrected from the dead and comes up with a new strategy to destroy everyone. I have some thoughts on that.

I can tell it myself but this just has to be quoted by Kaj. ‘At one point I hear a voice. And it's not a nice voice.... Unbelievable. Soundos is just sitting at that table. I'm almost considering losing. I think I'll tie a fivefold knot that I'll never get out, I'm going home.’ Touché. Danny adds: ‘That creepy laugh in the background. Soundos. You just can't get rid of it. It's unprecedented.’ A bit comparable to that annoying mosquito in your bedroom. You know it's coming back. And on Twitter: ‘Soundos is just like that annoying aunt who eats all the toast at your birthday.‘ Laughing out loud. Alright, enough chit-chat, time for the real deal.

I parked my butt in front of the TV again and this is what I thought:

1. Dear people, if a third world war ever breaks out: make sure you're not related to Niels if you still want to eat or drink. Run away, go underground, stage your own death, do something and already think of a suitable strategy.

2. Oh for all the people wondering what happened to Anouk's lip: Niels got hungry in the night. ROAR.

3. Did I already tell you that I was actually invited to the merging dinner party at Mi Boy Carlos's house last night? No jokes. Sorry dude, work came first. #StillWantToEatBiscuits #CallMe.

4. The difference between the team members who hear they're going to merge:
- Carlos & Imke go completely crazy and fall half crying, breakdancing over each other, screaming and tangled on the ground.
– All other people who earn more than ten net a month: ‘Oh, I thought that was tomorrow.’

– Herold: this is my f*cking lucky day.

5. Carodiva is a bit sickly. And then you have to have Soundos sitting next to you just before such an important test. “Hey but Caro, you're really not feeling well, are you? It seems to be getting worse.” HAHA drama queen.

6. The test of camp unknown in a nutshell? Statue of Liberty Caro had her day off and flies off the beam in two seconds and three-quarters of the Netherlands has never been such a fan of Marlé. Man man, I almost peed on the couch from the tension. SCREAMING at the TV.

7. Heart rate shoots up to hospital level. Marlé falls. SHE FALLS. Is this really happening? The motorically disturbed Soundos is the last man standing and gets to sit down first at The Big Feast. It feels damn scripted man.

8. ‘Carolina is out. What a shame.’.

– Really absolutely no one.

9. Two seconds later: actually quite chill that Sounnie won. Finally something to stir up on that island. Although, my friend Kaj never disappoints and was again nice on fire last night. ‘Carlos sends a bit like my nose is on my face: crooked.’ Roeland too by the way: ‘Meanwhile, they were heading towards French Polynesia’... HAHA.

10. It has happened. Danny said something. And he was funny. (Think of a flat Amsterdam accent here: “I have the condition of a weeeikagend.”) Dude, it was fun. Really.

11. That Spanish pepper may have the lung capacity of an elk, my boy Carlos puzzles like a stoned slipper bug. Meanwhile, Kaj is almost knocked out when he realizes that the Soundosaurus is behind him and having oral sex with the prawn crackers from our sponsor friends at Go-Tan.

12. My Little Pony Shelly & Marlé (by the way, there's something hanging from your chin) just a shoutout to you. WHAT. A. TERRIBLE. BUNCH. THESE. WOMEN. ARE. NOT. TO. BE. UNDERSTIMATED. BOW. APPLAUSE. PRAISE, EVERYTHING. Jesus, what women. Respect.

13. Which sadist then thought that the hamburger shot came into view I would advise to have a chat with the local doctor. Half of the Netherlands secretly hopes that a certain person completely shits themselves from that Go-Tan stuff.

14. I'm also curious how high the damage claim is that the Party for the Animals sent to RTL today. Want to contribute? Text SAVE THE MEALWORM to 3030.

15. The moment all merging candidates hug and dance in a circle Shelly – and Soundos claps along from a distance. Epic.

16. Winning a set visit in 2018. Am I really that sad that I texted ROBINSON to 3030 three times? Cassava crunchers, Laura de Beers from Groningen. Always those people from the north huh. Totally done with those guys.

17. Phew, that campfire really brings the atmosphere to greater heights. Those backpacks apparently have enough compartments, because a few XTC pills were smuggled into Camp Hippie. Does anyone have an earlobe left to lick? Danny? Joe?

18. And of course we also look through to the “Island Talk”, sounds a bit like the gossip newspaper from Terschelling. THE FIRST THING I SEE IS THE F*CKING AD BIRD OMG. HE'S STILL ALIVE! And lo and behold, my Farmer Bestie Bertie is second. Hands up if you also found Marlé's man way too fucking cute.

19. The most brilliant closing of the evening at Island Talk? At the point they are going to eat mealworms:

Kay: ‘I'm not doing that, I'm a vegan.’

Bertie: ‘I'm a farmer, so I can.’

Sweep me up.

20. What I raffled on my Instagram account @kikiduren (follow me, it's fun) is? A karaoke night with the wok dude from Go-Tan, a gift box with embryo eggs to send to that effing annoying chick at work AND popping champagne with Kaj in the biggest suite at the W hotel in Amsterdam. Oh, by the way, I was ahead of you on that last one. More on that later, moo-ha-ha.

Friday again at 08:30 here? Nice huh. And let's end with a little test. Who would you rather be stranded on a deserted island with? A: that traumatically scary chick from horror movie The Ring, or B: the good old Soundosaurus who chews prawn crackers loudly in your ear all day. Heart at the bottom of the article if you're also for option A. TEN TIMES PREFERABLY.