KIKI’S EXPEDITIE ROBINSON GEBRABBEL
(week 14)
Are you back again? People kids, I feel honored. Did you sleep well? Is it time to kick off the weekend? I can tell you: I do. But first it's time for the Friday morning island newspaper. With today in the headlines: the feud continues and Shelly almost hits Roelie in the face. What an ordinary racket again, people. Seriously: if Soundos of all people is the one to mediate disputes, then you know that things are, uh, not going well somewhere. Furthermore, oliekoekendom is nominated for the most annoying word of 2017, Nicolette gets inspired by the gangsta braid of Famke Louise and we saw three men crying on a raft. God, please say you also got a lump in your throat, otherwise I feel like the only pussy again.
By the way, are we starting to realize that the end is really close? Just two more times enjoying our favorite show together and then it's all over, man. Ugh, don't even think about it yet. First, time to babble. 24 brain farts clean on the hook, here it comes:
1. It's just outrageous, people. After the island council, Shelly gets Roeland's DNA blown in her face. Can someone please stop that man? And set that dirty cap with wriggling masses of microorganisms on fire that makes us feel collectively nauseous? Thank you.
2. Uh, wait a second. Are we watching Ex Rob or The Blair Witch Project? What is this peculiar camera loop through the woods? With that creepy music as if someone is about to get caught at any moment. Help.
3. Move over Ice Bucket Challenge, it's time for the salmonella dance. I see what you don't see, Kaj, and it's green. And spotty on your neck. Everyone in the office today: DO THE SALMONELLA DANCE!
4. Tomorrow in the headlines:
Volkskrant: ‘Serious outbreak’ of resistant salmonella dance claims two lives
NU.nl: Experts warn of dangers of salmonella dance Kaj Gorgels
NOS: Everything you need to know about the out-of-control salmonella dance
De Speld: Also in the mood for salmonella? Here's how to get it.
Cosmopolitan: 6x this is how to find a boyfriend with salmonella
Rihanna: You can stand under my salmonella, ella, ella, eeh, eeh, eeh
Okay, done, Kiek. Act normal.
And don't talk to yourself.
Did you eat a squirrel or something.
5. Yeah, very normal conversations there on finalist island. Rat tastes like squirrel. You can eat it, you know, if you have a nut allergy. As long as you don't eat its little stomach. So, which psychologist is willing to sacrifice themselves for some chats with our island creep Niels? Hannibal the Cannibal?
6. No, but they are REALLY hungry there on finalist island, it's also noticeable on Twitter. ‘That red piece of fabric from Niels started as a subtle scarf and 40 kilos thinner it's a wrap dress.’
7. Sometimes I really wonder what language Roeland speaks. “You shouldn't trust me any further than you can throw me. With devilish pleasure, I will keep doing that.” If you keep going like this, soon you'll have not only Shelly but also the whole church after you, buddy. #OpHeksenjacht #GrijpDieMoffel
8. For some shots, I can honestly kiss the makers, huh. Roeland talking about all the things that are not ‘allowed’ in daily life (lying and cheating) and then that snake in the background HAHAHA. So lame.
9. Just like the song by the way. ‘We can’t go oooon together. With suspicious minds.’ Who else votes for more Elvis songs in Ex Rob? I'm really into it.
10. The vibe on finalist island in one sentence? Kaj is fed up and Niels is as grumpy as a nun who hasn't had sex in 25 years. I feel a new page in the Gorgels tear-off calendar coming.
11. Really. Only a Rotterdammer can have such a beautiful conversation with an insect. “Shut up, you rotten fly. Can't you see I'm having a hard time, man? Just buzz off. Those insects and those flies here think you're already dead. They think I'll give him another night. I'm already looking for a spot.‘ Laughing out loud.
12. I don't know about you, but my life is complete now Mi Boy Carlos has started stealing and you see images of monkeys in the background. Yeah sorry, it can be that simple. That music, those monkeys, that rural accent. “It's not very chic haha. I stuffed twelve little bananas in my bag.” Carlos: during the week a very passionate judoka, in the evening he turns into a cunning banana thief.
13. Holy fuckeroni, what kind of circus test is this? Being locked in a bamboo cage, freeing yourself by throwing rings on a hook. Oh and, Carlos, Albert Heijn just called. They foresee a glorious career in their TV commercials after Ex Rob. HAMSTEREEEEEEEEE. Good job, dude.
14. At the moment Niels says he hasn't had a bowel movement in seven days and you can only think: Too. Much. Info. And then wonder if he was a land or sea pooper.
15. I genuinely wonder what animal species I have always looked at if apparently blue sea stars exist.
16. Gotta love Kaj part 283: “That boat looks like a kind of floating steak. We couldn't care less who's on it. As long as they have food.”
17. Thank god for the two skeletons; there was Carlos from eilandbezorgd.nl, who immediately acts as the local gossip newspaper because the necessary juice needs to be shared again. If you want to chill a bit, it's no problem, Carlito is coming over no he's not alone, because he has cheese. And licorice. And cheese. And stop.
18. Can someone please answer me where the third person on finalist island sleeps? You have a house with two single beds in it, right? Do the gentlemen then sleep spooning? Or does Mi Boy always sleep on the floor? You understand: this will be investigated.
19. Oh no oh no oh no, not the letters from home. I'm really not emotionally ready for this yet. Lump in the throat. 30 seconds later. ‘Wow, so there's someone who has been putting up with Roeland for 27 years. Wow.’
20. Seriously, people, the sadistic creator of this test deserves applause, okay, but is also really in need of a solid game of rampetampen. Just imagine that you get called as a girlfriend, asking if you want to make a fun video. It's used FOR THIS. Bunch of idiots.
21. HOLD ME BACK! THREE CRYING MEN! SHORT CIRCUIT CAN'T HANDLE IT. WHERE IS THE WINE? TEAR BAGS BLOCKING. Wait. Did Niels just say: “I really want to see my ‘fart’?” Okay, never mind.
22. Most painful moment of the evening...
Roeland: “Kiss?”
Shelly: Uh, if you want that.”
HAHAHA.
23. Sjoooooo, did you catch the island council too? Pablo Escobar also had time to drop by. In a pink Shelly sweater to minimize the image damage. I find that somewhat humorous, you know.
24. What are we raffling this week on my Instagram account @kikiduren (follow it, it's fun, man) 5x the ‘You can stand under my salmonella’ office mug, presenting next season's Expeditie Eekhoorn with Kaj AND a professional photoshoot with Carlos in studio Het Kleine Banaantje in Wormerkutteveen. Be sure to check my last photo for the final result.
Alright, next week same place same time here for the semi-finals? I'll get the roasted cassava ready. Oh and, heart here at the bottom if you also totally feel this song. ‘Anddd Moffel is out oleee oleeeeeee, moffel is out oleeee oleeeeeee.‘
