KIKI’S EXPEDITIE ROBINSON GEBRABBEL

(Week 9)

Hey Expedition Eppo! You here again? Good morning man, nice. I'll get the tea, soggy croissants, scones, and clotted cream, because this is going to be a fabulous high tea to never forget. First things first: I. CAN. DIE. PEACEFULLY. BECAUSE. I. WAS. ON. TV. HOEZEEEE. Yes, that must be in capital letters. God-all-mighty-beautiful-f*cking-coconut squared, what an honor.

If you heard a firework go off last night around 10:02 PM: sorry for the disturbance, there was something to celebrate at my place. My ramblings were actually visible in vlog form on RTL 5 in Eilandpraat. You know, the talk show right after the episode presented by Luuk Ikink. Missed it? Keep an eye on things here around 1:30 PM, because then we will also post the video on Amayzine. Alright, enough about me. Back to what matters: we have finally arrived at the individual phase after the merger and I can tell you that the game is being played dirty as f*ck. What a bloodbath.

Seatbelts fastened? Time to babble:

1. Welcome, welcome to Catanawan. A new, ‘green’, ‘sexy’, ‘voluptuous’ island. Roeland, voluptuous?! I looked it up, it's another word for horny. Am I the only one who sometimes wonders if the guy has a bit of Viagra in his dick? Roelie often looks at things with those horny eyes...

2. The ostrich move is made possible by Niels. Who is already practicing his tactics for when Soundos arrives on finalist island.

3. We need to talk about Niels' stinginess. I just can't. But really. You have eight crabs, dude. EIGHT. And poor Kaj is stuck with dry rice grains. Seriously, only Niels can manage to turn winner island into loser cave. WhatdaFAK, man.

4. Time for a riddle. It eats, scratches, wears a red scarf like a djellaba, and is even stingier than Scrooge McDuck. Anyone?

5. Once again, kudos to Kaj: ‘He sits there like a kind of neglected chef, who has been on ketamine for four weeks. He’s sitting there a bit distracted shouting: ‘This is MY crab.” He does share a coconut though. Well well well, Niels, how generous! #IkKanDitNietAanMensen.

6. I can totally picture it. Niels as a child molester: ‘Hey, you there. Candy? Costs 50 cents.’ HAHA.

7. No seriously, that guy is the epitome of stinginess. I think grumpy Jack is still waiting next to his car at the parking meter until the time is up.

8. Time for the test. Something with a Leaning Tower of Pisa and Danny Froger suddenly making funny jokes since last week. NICE FRIEND.

9. Kaj has been having a great time at the merger dinner and is bummed as hell that an unexpected test comes up. And then he suddenly turns into that annoying kid in class who says he really didn't study well and then gets a ten. You just have some more bacootjes, dude.

10. Hilarious man: Herold who is heavily disappointed and you just CAN'T take him seriously because of his accent: ‘Damn it. That's just really bad.’

11. Speaking of Mr. the ex-military, did he pick up that camo swim trunk from the kids‘ section at H&M in size 152? I would spontaneously talk three octaves higher, dude.

12. Oh yeah, and one more thing. Have we noticed that Herold is the only candidate who gets subtitles in the show? SO UNFAIR (with a soft G).

13. At the moment when everyone gets six extra votes and you know that the revenge of the Soundosaurus will be bittersweet. Who's in the mood for a fries war? Just. Love. This. Television.

14. Meanwhile, I seriously advise Kim Jong-Soun to look up the word ‘subtlety’ in the Van Dale. ‘The only thing you can do to not be led like a meek lamb to the slaughter is to stage a coup. And listen to me. With your mouth.’ Hey hey hey, Soun, let's keep it friendly.

15. Oh yeah, and Ex Rob-makers, the organization of Burning Man just called. If you maybe saw a large wooden doll somewhere? Just give that thing back, man.

16. No, but seriously, this week was visually top-notch. BUT. HOW. MANY. INSECTS. CAN. YOU. SHOW. IN. ONE. EPISODE? I'm going to be a TV maker too, man. Easy. 10 minutes of disgusting insects, 20 minutes of scavenger Niels, 30 minutes of commercials, HATSAFLATS!

17. My Boy Carlos, we need to talk. I've NEVER seen you make such an aggressive scary face as at the island council. You guys should watch it back for fun. Mr. the Bokito gets more than 8000 followers on Instagram and immediately thinks he's Burrows in Prison Break.

18. Meanwhile, Soundos is getting orally satisfied by the pussy tickler Herold. But explain to me, friend, do you want to go home next week? Why are you putting in 9 votes like a kamikaze pilot? Do you realize that Soundos also has extra votes to use? Earth to Herold? Hello?

19. AAAAAAAH, Marieke. What a bunch of silly beachcombers that they kick you out. Even though you looked like you had a happy pill in your mouth 24/7, I thought you were a top candidate. What a bunch of idiots.

20. What I’m raffling this week on my Instagram account @kikiduren (follow along, it's fun) raffled? A dinner at Niels' all-you-can-eat crab restaurant (where you might be sent home with an empty stomach), a little course on abandonment anxiety with Froger junior, and the signed ball crusher from Herold with camouflage print. I'm telling you: you want this.

P.S.: This week even more dreams came true, because I lay next to Kaj in bed and it was so hysterically screaming that you just this video want to check again.

P.P.S: Heart at the bottom of this article if you also think that Niels is the friend who asks if you want to transfer 40 cents to him. And you already have a craving. For. Next. Week.

P.P.P.S: Given my very famous status at the moment, requests for bookings can be sent to my agent kiekrocktjemoeder@live.nl.

Big kisses, love and more,

Your Expedition Robinsnol.