Letter to expectant fathers

Hi future dad. And congratulations. She peed on the Predictor stick. You had to read her instructions three times to see if you interpreted the dots correctly and then it turned out she was pregnant. No, not ‘you’ are pregnant. Please never say that? We are pregnant. That is simply impossible. I don't know if you paid attention in biology, but take it from this old mother of three. If you want to speak in the happy plural, just say: we are expecting a child.

Well. From now on, not everything will change. But a lot will. I will guide you. Seatbelts fastened, here we go.

1. She acts weird

Not just sometimes, but the whole pregnancy. Expect emotional highs and lows. She will cry from happiness, cry out of insecurity. Crying because, well, just because. Crying. Don't take it too seriously but don't ignore it either. She will want to rekindle friendships and end some.

2. Bring food with you

Women sometimes forget to eat. But that belly keeps using and demanding energy. Eating needs to happen regularly, otherwise you'll suddenly see your beloved lying horizontally in an intimate tangle with the floor. So always stash a Sultana or a pack of crackers in your inner pocket. You'll score points with that.

3. Sex remains

That's what you were worried about, right? But don't worry, most women find it easier to make love with a little one in their belly than men do. And... her orgasm becomes more intense. Something to do with more blood in the body and better blood flow to the noble parts. Go for it, I would say.

4. Now that we're talking about sex...

Your seed seems to be able to induce labor at the end of the pregnancy. So go for it, because after that you can't for a while.

5. Now that we're talking about sex II

After the birth, you can't have sex for six weeks. No ‘intercourse’ at least. But she probably won't be in the mood either. They say that men also produce a hormone that makes them less interested in sex when they just became fathers... I hope for your sake that's not true.

“So go for it, because after that you can't for a while.”

6. Everything must be done yesterday

Yes, you're also wondering why the crib needs to be ready after just five months and why the Bugaboo needs to be ordered. And why you need to PRACTICE putting the Maxi-Cosi in the car. Just forgive her and don't resist. It makes no sense. This actually gets better as more children come. She becomes a little easier each time.

7. That cleaning frenzy

I once, while my husband thought he was undisturbed, completely threw his glass of vodka-cola all over him. He was on the phone with a friend and kept talking as if nothing had happened. I believe he raised an eyebrow, but otherwise he wisely ignored me. Don't be surprised if she is scrubbing the inside of the toilet tank. She can't help it.

8. If she does this, you may hit her

If she starts addressing you as ‘daddy’ or talks about you as ‘daddy’ and no longer calls you by your first name, you should hit her. Or run away very, very fast. But do come back in time, okay? Someday, someday she will be back to her old self.