Operation summer buttocks

That you scroll through your vacation photos and suddenly have a stroke. Dimples! In my butt! In my thighs! Arrrrgggh! So I have to delete half of my photos and I’ve given my husband the task of never, ever taking photos of my backside again when I’m wearing shorts or a bikini.

I never had dimples. The fact that I lived in the village of Putten for a few years in my youth was bad enough. It has never been objectively established by an independent jury, but let me say this: I was the queen of shorts, the babe of bikinis, the Antillean among the whites. I had ass.

And now this! If you’re my age, you already have to learn to live with certain things (I’m talking about a sagging jawline, breasts that fluctuate in volume depending on your menstrual cycle, no chance with thirty-year-olds anymore) and now this comes along too. Darned!

You can definitely do something about your dented butt like connective tissue massages and painful treatments with rollers. Those are treatments that yield some results, but you can’t permanently get rid of the deep dimples (like the one I now have in the middle of my left buttock, why god, why?) and they only work temporarily.

‘I was the queen of shorts, the babe of bikinis, the Antillean among the whites. I had ass.’

Fortunately, there is now (imagine some heavenly music) the Cellfina treatment. It’s not cheap. It’s also not without pain and your butt will be bruised afterward, so don’t think you can go to the beach that same week without being suspected of 50 Shades-like practices. But if all goes well, your dimples will be a thing of the past. And shine you will, on that beach!

I’m visiting Dr. Jani from Doctors Inc. who explains the whole process to me. It seems that those dimples are caused by ‘bands’ in the tissue that pull the skin inward. During the Cellfina treatment, those bands are cut so that, voilà, your skin bounces back into place. Hello, round booties!

As I have often undergone plastic surgery on a whim (it was an eyelid correction and it turned out very nice, but when I walked around with two black eyes for three weeks after the surgery, I thought: what the hell was I thinking?), I now step into the treatment room without having prepared too much. I lie on my stomach, play a fun game on my phone, and Dr. Jani starts numbing my butt and thighs. The numbing is done with a needle. And being pricked with a needle is not my hobby (and I assume it’s not yours either). I think to myself: were those dimples really so bad that I’m willing to go through this? The answer to that question is yes, by the way. No doubt about it. And only the first few pricks are unpleasant. After that, he pricks in the numb area and you don’t feel anything anymore.

Then Dr. Jani starts the treatment. I believe I’d rather not know what he’s doing, but he vacuums pieces of skin (while giving his assistant the command ‘Suck it’) and then I hear a sound as if something is going through a shredder. An hour later it’s done. Because a small wound is made for each dimple (I had thirty-eight, yes), some blood and wound fluid may come out (don’t you think wound fluid is one of the most disgusting words that exist? Yuk!), and so my legs are wrapped in bandages. I also get -very sweetly- a smoothie with banana and date. Because you do feel a bit shaky after such a treatment.

Do you want to know how it was afterward? Read part 2 of ‘Operation Summer Butt’ soon.