The struggle of dating

When the most important man in your life is no longer there

I was sixteen when I first brought a boyfriend home to introduce to my parents. I was as nervous as hell because I was the first one at home to do it, so I had no idea how my parents would react to something like that. After all, I couldn't compare it to anything. They were always nice to my friends, but yes, when you come home as a girl with a boy, you mainly wonder how your father will handle it. It can go two ways: either he can be extremely nice, or he is extremely intimidating. Mine was the former. I turned out to be nervous for nothing because my parents were the epitome of cool (ha, now I know where I get it from), and I also turned out to have made an excellent choice because they loved him. Just like I did.

Then there was something with too much distance which made it impossible to stay together. You meet other people, get new relationships and okay, they might not work out either but that's fine, because it doesn't matter how much heartache I go through; that hopeless romantic in me you really can't get rid of. Do you find it strange when you grow up with the most romantic love story? Yes, I mean that of my parents. Something about traveling together all over the world – I want that too.

‘I'm just that little emoticon figure with that hand in the air screaming ‘Dahaaag! Nice knowing ya.’

But then there comes a kind of turning point in finding a new love. I find it intensely difficult to commit to someone these days. The idea that I end up with someone who will never meet my father makes me choose to cut things off completely rather than just say ‘fuck it’ and go for it. Just explaining that to someone remains tricky because honestly: you just don't understand it until you experience it yourself.

Of course, I decide for myself how I prefer to organize my life, but I always crave some sort of confirmation from my family members, that they think I'm doing well, that they are proud of me and support me. In my work, in my daily life, and therefore also in love. Now I know my family well enough to know that they are happy as long as I am too, but still, there is a kind of barrier that I have created myself when it comes to love, because that person will never meet the most important man in my life. I do date, I’m even an open book, but as soon as someone gets too close, I’m just that little emoticon figure with that hand in the air screaming ‘Dahaaag! Nice knowing ya.’ 

Super confusing for the boy and also not fair to myself, but everything is still fresh. I have quite a bit of shit that I need to process. Processing yes, and figuring out how to deal with it every day, not the ‘giving it a place’; I hate that expression. Your emotions and experiences are not things you can just put in a jar and hide away nicely in a cupboard. That love, that ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love (Carrie fans, you know what I mean), that will come someday, I firmly believe in it. But all in due time, there’s no rush.