THIS IS HOW RENSKE'S NEGATIVE THOUGHT SPIRAL WORKS

(and it is bad)

Man oh man, am I the only one suffering from this? I am – no matter how fun, attractive, and sociable I am – tormented every day by negative thoughts. It starts with something small, but soon I spiral downwards at a dizzying pace, until I ultimately have to rely on life support.

Although, in the absence of the right life support, I usually take wine. Or a shower. I mean, I'm not an alcoholic if you sometimes think that!

Anyways, that negative thought spiral. I'll show you how it goes.

11:10 PM, I'm lying in bed.

It's way too late again, this is how I’ll never get rid of those bags under my eyes. Come on, Renske Hoff, you really go to bed way too late. One day people are going to comment on your tired face! You look terrible. No cream can fix this.

Something else, I've noticed lately that I can't breathe properly when I'm lying on my back. I even get short of breath eventually. Then it rises to my head, and I just have to lie on my side. See, there you have it. I'm short of breath! It's all very annoying and actually quite strange. Very strange. I mean, who has that?

11:15 PM, I’ll ask friend L. if he ever gets short of breath when lying on his back (...)

He doesn't have it, never had it, and he says he sleeps. Mmm. Sorry for existing.

11:16 PM, you know what I think?

Maybe it's something physical and something is pressing on my back artery – that's your main artery. Yes, that's how it feels. It really feels like something is stuck there. Maybe it's a metastasis from that melanoma I had last summer. You always see that. You just always see that. Yes, I mean, cancer is everywhere, I read the most terrible stories all day long. It's really a dreadful, terrible disease that can affect anyone. Recently, I read another story about a young mother who just gave birth to a little boy, but then died of cervical cancer.

‘It's hell and that's it. I really dare not check my email now’

Or I have something with my heart. I think so. I probably need one of those heart tests, with a 24-hour monitor. Then we’ll find out what it is. An arrhythmia, something like that?

Pulmonary embolism! Could it be that, I just read on Google. My god, a pulmonary embolism. Maybe it’s because I smoked from my 15th to my 31st, I’m still getting my punishment! Or maybe it’s lung cancer? That seems to be the new disease of the future for (young) women. Admittedly: if you have lung cancer, you often cough a lot, but maybe I’m just the one who has lung cancer without a cough.

– Just to interject, my boyfriend is of course having a really hard time with me. But please don’t worry about us, we know everything about how to maintain a long relationship -

07:30 AM, the next morning, in the bathroom.

Check out those bags. Just unbearable. I don’t know anymore. I really need to go to bed earlier. But... how on earth am I ever going to fall asleep before 11 PM? Sleeping pills? Yoga? I have no time for yoga.

By the way, I received a letter from Aegon yesterday, and I really need to open it. It’s a really thick envelope and they probably want all sorts of things from me.

I think it’s an overview of the meager pension I saved when I still had a steady job, and then they say I really need to take all these complicated steps now. Oh, I don’t dare to look in that letter. But it has to be done!

Maybe I should call one of those pension guys. They seem to be terrible figures, but they’ll probably open that letter for me.

07:35 AM.

Friend L. says that your house can also just be your pension, but I wonder how that works. I mean, do you have to sell your house for a smaller one? And then eat your big house in that smaller house? HUH? Where did it go wrong? Someone really needs to come and review my pension. What if I (if I even live that long) have no money when I retire? As the only one! I mean, I think everyone else is saving diligently for their pension and I’m not. I just can’t handle money. Just can’t. I procrastinate everything. Always everything. This will never work out for me.

I still need to update my administration, and I still need to put my hours from 2016 into a document. Oh no, what if the tax office comes to check? WHAT THEN?

08:45 AM. (…)

I really hope the article I submitted yesterday is good. I really put a lot of effort into it. I was just messing around with it, but in the end, you just have to hit send. Someone taught me that once. Let go! Let it go! Hoping for the best, that kind of thing.

I haven’t heard anything since yesterday afternoon at 2 PM. Absolutely nothing. Maybe it’s because they’re just busy or because they’ve already read it and have no.freaking.idea what it’s about. Stronger: they think it’s a bullshit article. Really a very bad article. They can’t do anything with it, and it really needs to be worked on hard, and that means all the people mentioned in the article need to be interviewed again. Oh my god, they will never have time for that. They’ll just say I should have thought of that earlier! It’s hell and that’s it. I really dare not check my email now. Oh, I really hope I don’t have any emails.
Well, that was it. I think I might need help. What do you all think?