This is how you become an Italian

In 7 steps

At least once a week I have it. Then I dream of being an Italian. One who slurps a strand of spaghetti, has a child on a round (which is not a problem at all) hip, calls ‘ciao tesoro’ to her husband who gently yet meaningfully pinches her equally round (which is also not a problem for this body part) backside.

Such a woman who can be a tiger in bed, an angel in the kitchen, and Mary as a mother all at once. I have done some fieldwork (read: at least three times a year to Italy) and won't say that I succeeded, but I have gathered quite a few useful tips for you.

Lesson 1. The coffee code

There are a number of things that immediately give you away if you don't do them right. You always drink coffee standing at the bar. And you pay for it first and then give your receipt to the barista. A different order, then. And after twelve never, jamais, never ever drink a cappuccino or anything with milk. Just so you know.

Lesson 2. Alcohol

You enjoy life so you drink, but you will not find yourself in a slightly fuzzy state. So if you have had an aperitif before lunch, which is perfectly fine, you immediately neutralize it with a strong espresso that you call ‘caffé’. And oh yes, you use a bit of cane sugar in it. Because a bit of Italian has a nice hip that she is proud of.

Lesson 3. Going to the gym

A modern Italian cares about her appearance and that doesn't stop at going to the hairdresser and putting on makeup. She regularly goes to the gym, often every day during lunch break. In the past, a siesta was taken then, but you use this moment for yourself. Kids at school, husband at work, and just go for it.

Lesson 4. The heel

While you can sketch the Parisienne in a ballerina, the Italian prefers to go through life in heels and smoked. Femininity first. Emancipatory nonsense (scusa mi) she leaves to her neighbors from more northern countries. She wants to be graceful and sexy. She achieves a lot more with that than by fighting with men.

Lesson 5. Temperament

The Italian woman is no wallflower. She cooks, talks, laughs, and dances. She looks feminine, her voice sounds like a construction worker. Or at least loud and clear. With zest for life and a strong timbre. And when she is angry, you can hear it three streets away...

Lesson 6. Mangiare

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but the same goes for children. That's why she cooks as if her life depends on it. She is best friends with the fishmonger (pescivendolo), butcher (macellaio), and greengrocer (fruttivendolo), prefers to do her shopping every day to find and prepare the freshest products. Of course, she has herbs in her garden and makes her own olive oil and oglio piccante. She doesn't read cookbooks, she has one from her great-grandmother and knows it by heart by now.

Lesson 7. La pasta

Pasta is more important than bread. And of course, she makes it every day. Pasta is an essential dish in Italy that precedes the secundo, the meat or fish dish. One day it's lasagna, the next a real spaghetti, linguini, ravioli. And yes, she makes it fresh, of course. Nothing sexier than a woman who, in heels, makes fresh pasta while singing for her children. Now you are about to drop out, I know you. The above would surely work for you, but this goes too far. You don't have time for that. I know you, but you don't know the Philips Pasta Machine yet. With that, you can make 300 grams of fresh pasta in ten minutes (yes, really in ten minutes). Just a matter of throwing flour, water, and possibly an egg in the bowl, pressing the button, and waiting until it's ready. Meanwhile, you can do some shopping from Dolce & Gabbana, just to finish it off.

Ciao bella!