What you can learn from a bad massage or

 why too much empathy is not good for you.

Being able to empathize with others' feelings is a wonderful trait. But it can also get in your way tremendously. For example, if you are so focused on how it is for the other person that your own interests suffer, it's time to dial back the empathy a bit. Let me give you an example: I was recently in Bali (I’ll rub it in one more time for you) and often got a massage there. Massages are incredibly cheap and available everywhere, so why not? On the last day, my husband and I decided to get a massage at a luxury yoga resort. This massage was about twice as expensive as the ones we usually got, so our expectations were high. We immediately booked ninety minutes.

I was welcomed by a really nice girl. I undressed, lay down on the couch, and she started kneading my feet. And after two minutes, I already knew: this woman can't do anything. It wasn't even a mediocre massage; it was just not a massage at all. She rubbed a bit over my legs. It made me really anxious. I considered stopping the massage. But I also thought: she's such a nice girl. If I say it's not good, she'll probably feel hurt. Maybe she could even lose her job. How bad is it really? I can probably endure this. Maybe it's just me. Maybe she's better at backs than at legs.

So I spent 45 minutes (!) worrying about whether I should say something and how I would say it. My husband said he could hear me sighing in the next room out of misery. In the end, I kept it very simple. I said: ‘I am not enjoying this. You can stop now.’ The girl jumped back. I got dressed and went to eat gluten-free raw chocolate cake to comfort myself. I felt terrible. By now, I was no longer thinking about that girl, but about myself. Why had I spent three quarters of an hour suffering when I already knew it wasn't going to work? Why do I find it so difficult to stand up for myself when I know it might be uncomfortable for the other person?

I am quite sure that I am not the only one who goes overboard with empathy. Therefore, and I am laying this out just as much for myself as for you, here are the principles to take better care of yourself.

‘After two minutes, I already knew: this woman can't do anything’

1. Everyone has the right to their own problem

Just because you understand how someone else feels, doesn't mean it's your job to shield them from all unpleasant feelings. On the contrary, you deprive the other person of the chance to learn their own lessons. To go back to the example of the masseuse: what does she gain from continuing a profession she is clearly not suited for?

2. By saying nothing, you break the connection

You are not the only one sensitive to underlying tension. Most people are. Just because you say nothing doesn't mean the other person doesn't realize something is wrong. All the unspoken issues create blockages on the path between you and the other person. By bringing things that are playing under the table onto the table, you re-establish the connection. You give the other person a chance to respond, you engage in a dialogue. It's better that you don't agree with each other, but that it's clear how everyone stands rather than getting stuck in a murky situation that does nothing for you.

3. If you say nothing, you literally become sick

Denying your own feelings doesn't mean they aren't there. Because even if you convince yourself that you don't mind, that you can handle it, that the other person doesn't mean it that way, that the other person might feel hurt if you say something; those feelings of discomfort with all the accompanying biochemistry are very much present in your body. By not expressing them, they build up until you literally become sick. You develop all sorts of complaints. I have been struggling with neck and shoulder issues for years. I sometimes went to the physiotherapist three times a week. I have spent a fortune on various doctors, therapies, and yes, massages. While the solution is: to say what bothers me instead of holding everything in and thus tensing up.

4. You can still show understanding and stand up for yourself

The solution is not to say nothing when something bothers you and it might be uncomfortable for the other person to hear. But to say it and also understand that it’s not pleasant for the other person. Most people are not so zen that they can say: ‘Oh, thanks for the feedback, I’ll do something about it right away!’ Usually, they will initially react defensively or even angrily. Have understanding for that. Dare to stay with it. Dare to endure it. You can handle it.

5. Stand on your own two feet

Recently, I have been in therapy with haptotherapist René Steenbeek (renesteenbeek.nl). Or rather, it's a kind of skills training. With him, I am learning to stand firmly on my own two feet. Literally. This helps immediately when you notice that you have trouble staying in your own energy. When you notice that you are too sensitive to the mood of others. When you notice that you take everyone and everything into account, except for yourself. Stand up. Feel your legs, from your toes to your hips. Be aware of the strength flowing through them. These legs can carry you. These legs are strong enough to handle anything. Including the reaction of the other person.

P.S.: If you want a really good massage, go to doctorfeelgood.nl. I have been treated there by various masseurs and it is always fan-tas-tic.