Gwyneth Paltrow, are you completely cuckoo?

Let me start by saying that Gwyneth looks absolutely stunning. We come from the same year, so I can tell. I already knew you were a bit quirky, but I like you. The names of your children, your platform Goop, your fashion style; all incredibly amazing and fun. But every time I'm about to think that we could actually be real friends, I read something again that makes me a little shocked. Like these 8 things she applies to look good. Buckle up? Here we go.

1. Be nice to water

Yes, yes, you read that right. Gwyneth believes it’s proven that if you speak unkindly to water or if there’s a negative atmosphere when you’re near water, the structure of the water molecules changes. So always be happy when you drink water, girls.

2. Goat milk cure

To fight parasites that might be living in her body, Gwyneth drank goat milk for eight days straight. Only goat milk. For eight days.

3. Get stung by bees

Painful but satisfying, that’s how Gwyneth described her bee facial. You get stung by bees, an ancient treatment according to Gwyneth that helps reduce redness and scars. Painful, but it works according to her.

4. Semen in your smoothie

Sorry. This was a joke, but I can see Gwyneth doing it. What she does is drink a smoothie every day and supplement it with herbs that you might need that day. Brainpower if you have a long office day and a touch of sex dust if you have romance on the agenda. So I thought she meant semen, but unfortunately, it’s just a jar of herbs. It would have been much funnier for the story.

5. The perfect yawn

According to Gwyneth, yawning is very important, and that’s why she has also created a guide to the right yawn. Let your jaws drop and your mouth hang wide open, squeeze the back of your throat muscle together (NO IDEA HOW YOU DO THAT), breathe deeply through your mouth and then wait for the real yawn to come. Repeat this eight to ten times until your eyes start to water. And apparently, you become particularly relaxed and happy from that according to Gwyn.

6. Egg in the vagina

Yes, you read that right. Chinese ladies of the highest class would place jade eggs in their vaginas. If you do this regularly, your chi increases (well, you know), your orgasms improve, you become hormonally balanced, and you overflow with feminine energy. I would say: what’s stopping you?

7. Steam bath for your kitty

And while you’re at it with the bottom, also do the V-steam. You sit on a kind of wooden box (without underwear, I assume) and a combination of infrared light and steam wafts towards the holy of holies, and you become incredibly, well, what actually, from that.

8. Coconut oil in your mouth

And that for 20 minutes (20 minutes!). Should be good for the climate in your mouth and also clean your teeth. And you don’t eat for another twenty minutes, so you take that along too.