Kiki's Expedition Robinson Brabbels: week 13
I... I... uh... don't often find myself with my mouth full of teeth, but after this super-shizzled did-I-eat-three-slices-of-space-cake-or-what? episode, I'm getting pretty close. Screw all the coconuts, what a BIZARRE plot twist.
I actually want to drop a lengthy ‘And the Oscar goes to...’ paragraph here, but I want you to see how it all went down chronologically in my head. And especially the crackling fireworks at the end. So here they come, the island babbles. In 23 spaced-out points. En garde!
1. Uh-oh Loiza. When you arrive at the camp, all your buddies have become NSB’ers. ‘That’s not very pleasant, but it doesn’t change my fighting spirit.’ I’m gaining more respect for that chick by the minute. But of course, they want to get rid of her. DID YOU SEE THOSE GLASSES. Terrifying, brrr.
2. I advocate that Gregory (pronounced as ‘krek’, otherwise you’re not cool) should receive an official sewing diploma from Kim Holland upon returning home.
3. Although, let’s not pretend that Mr. Muscled Nail is really good at lying…
Loiza: ‘Who are you going to vote for?’
Greg looks thoughtful. ‘Yeah, no... Yeah, uh. I think Do.’
Loiza: ‘Do? But she’s on Winner Island? Not on Robin?’
Greg: ‘Yeah, no, yeah, uh... Robin then. Maybe. Or something. Possibly.’
4. ‘I’m a sewer. A knife-wielding, stabbing Surinamese.’ Steven estimates, as long as you don’t have post-traumatic stress disorder, I think you’ve said enough about knives and stabbing. It’s fine. Really. Just shh. Kiss it.
5. Meanwhile, Do is making an ‘All You Need is Love’ breakfast for her and Steven. The question she should be asking herself: does it matter to me if I can ever sit normally on a chair again, yes or no? Cause once you go black…
6. Seuuuuu hey. Seuuuuuu. Jan the sidecar actually gets three whole minutes of dialogue all by himself! ‘These guys are just tap of the bill. I’m being very honest about that. I’m really happy that I gained that experience here. Super!’ GIVE US MORE JAN.
7. Do: ‘I still think it’s nice that I get to sit here with you now.’ Wink. Wink. Smile. (has decided she prefers to stand from now on).
Steven is texting first ‘sentimental shit’ to 3030 and then quickly regains himself as a very romantic, typical man. ‘I also thought it was uh, super nice to be here with you on this island. Jan talks too much about cows, man.’ HAHAHA.
8. Now I’ve heard here and there that the majority of the Netherlands doesn’t really feel sympathy for many candidates anymore, but I want to give a huge shoutout to Robin, who refuses to screw over his boy Jan. Does it make him smart? Not really. Does it make him human? Absolutely.
9. PLEASE. LOIZA. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. WIN THAT TASTE. Even if it’s just to put a stop to this whole predictable ‘we’re knocking out the celebrities one by one’ feeling.
10. Speaking of which. Did you remember that Robinson was a co-production with Belgium for years to cut costs, which meant it was always about the struggle between the Dutch and the Belgians? And that we all thought that really sucked because the two groups never really became one? Well dear makers, with the arrival of Team Unknown: welcome back in 2012!
11. I immediately have an idea for this because no, whining but not coming up with solutions is something we obviously don’t do. Divide the unknowns among the group of celebrities from minute 1 next season and voila: you’re immediately ‘gemingled’ and no one talks about known/unknown anymore. RTL, an invoice is coming your way.
12. I’m so TAFFES excited for a few good classics from Eminem. What a boss that guy actually is. Thanks, Laurie!
You better lose yourself
in the music,
The moment,
You own it,
you better never let it go, go go
13. Can someone please make a GIF of Jan the angry toddler at the bottom of that stairs? I just keep hanging on it. Crying.
14. Gregory stays the longest and wins his very first challenge. And upon arrival at Finalist Island, this is the sentence with which he was GRANDIOSEly welcomed:
Steven: ‘Hey, nice to see you, Greg. Do you have food?’
Greg: ‘Uh, yeah, I have bacon and eggs for bread.’
Steven: ‘Do you hear that, Do? The cook is here!’
15. Is there an intense love situation going on or what the hell is happening here?
– ‘Greg, I hope you challenge me. Do is my buddy, then she’s in the semi-finals.’
– ‘I hope you challenge me. She has no votes left and is going to the slaughterhouse.’
– ‘I just really hope you challenge me.’
I DON’T KNOW, HE SEEMS TO BE ACTING, I’M OFFICIALLY CONFUSED.
16. Loiza is ‘waiting’ all day to go to the gallows. No, that’s really inspiring to watch. What a boring episode actually when you know from minute 1 that she’s going to be kicked out. And then watching conspiracies for almost an hour and a half to see this happen, tsss.
17. So everyone dives into the bushes for hours to forge conspiracies and hand out knives, and Jan? JAN MAKES A SHELL NECKLACE FOR HOME. HAHAHA.
18. And also so boring to do two endurance challenges in one episode - wait a minute, what is Steven saying now? Deliberately losing? What kind of creepy backflip video is this? Huh? Steven? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? Are these all clips from next week’s episode? Am I still watching Robinson? Is this a horror movie? Is the girl from The Ring going to crawl out of my television and is it over with life? This. Is. All. Very. Weird. Help. Error.
19. Wow. Holy Mother of God You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me WOAH. Steven has completely lost it. Hypocrite.nl, .com; he doesn’t give a fuck. I can’t believe what’s happening here. He has a master plan, playing a very own game. You can hardly think of it yourself. Deliberately losing that challenge, back to camp, fully betting on Robin who expects nothing. Sorry Rob, but it’s genius. And the way this is edited is even more so. Has this ever happened in Robinson?!
20. Time for the Island Council. Robin is safe. He says. And when Loiza has 7 votes against her and Robin does too, it gets inside-your-cheek-biting exciting. And here they are: the three death blows from Steven. With kind regards from The Joker. Muhahaha.
21. So many different emotions to watch at the same time. Those eyes of Loiza. Those eyes of Laurie. Those eyes of Robin. This television is worth its weight in gold. Steven is such a, such a SCARY good tactical player.
22. And yet I think the biggest applause goes to Robin. He handles it so beautifully. Gets kicked out and starts clapping. Have you ever seen that? And also says ‘Well played, really.’ So sportsmanlike, it’s almost scary.
23. Damn, this piece is already taking on obesity proportions, I’m going to put an end to it, folks. In hindsight, we could have known, right? The focus was way too much on Loiza throughout the episode. But still: it was brilliant. Best plot twist ever. Thanks, makers. Thanks, Steven.
24. What we’re giving away next week on my Insta @kikiduren? The ‘Screw Violins tear-off calendar 2019’ with all the flat Rotterdam sayings from crazy Robin, two resold fake shit tickets for Eminem’s new concert, and last but not least: a samurai XL sword set to unleash the inner Steven in you.
P.S.: Heart at the bottom if you just thought this was an effing awesome episode.nl.com.eu.
P.P.S.: More hearts at the bottom for Robin’s marriage proposal during Island Talk. This guy knows how it works.
P.P.P.S.: I don’t know, but I would really sleep with one eye open if I were Steven’s wife. What is this genius smooth talker? That sperminator thinks fourteen steps ahead and gets you pregnant before you even realize it.
See you next week, psychos, laaaater!
