So I immediately got caught out in business class

It's absurd. I didn't know it was possible. I just lay down flat. Really flat asleep, yes, like you sometimes see in videos of others. And back up and flat again. And while I was lying flat, I filmed myself and yes, now every idiot really knows that this is my first time in business class but god, I don't care, I want the full experience.

Destination? Costa Rica. And just before departure, the magical words from KLM popped into my inbox: upgrade + business class. Holy lord. A private little space, a cozy cocoon with good food, legroom, and a glass of bubbles at departure. I'm just sitting down and I already know that others see me as the business class newbie. How do they know?

I eat everything

It doesn't matter what the flight attendant rolls up with, I take it. Even if I'm not hungry anymore, I take it. If necessary, I collect it in the handy storage compartment (with mirror) for a later hoarding moment: I. Take. It. On.

I'm amazed by the menu

Smoked beef tenderloin with lamb's ear and a cream of heavy garlic, served with a dressing of pickled fish and tomato… Fried chicken thigh in coffee sauce with hazelnut puree, pickled cucumbers, roasted cauliflower, and almonds… Wait a minute, am I on a plane?

I'm intensely happy with my Jan Taminiau bag

So I sit down and immediately get a ‘gift’. Others also call it the care kit (including sleep mask, face cream, toothpaste, and airplane socks), the real pros even leave it behind on the plane, but everything designed by Taminiau is couture in my eyes so hell the fuck yeah this is coming home with me.

I'm the only one on the plane who puts on the socks quite enthusiastically…

And puts on the face cream. And puts on the eye patch. And opens and closes the mirror cabinet ten times. Just for the feel.

I wonder if my whole life has been a lie

And if this flying is, whether I've ever flown at all…

I buy wifi

To then message your family, friends, loved ones, neighbor, your sister's friends, your former teacher, brother-in-law, in-laws, and former hockey coach HOW THE HELL YOU ARE. Including photos most likely with a thumbs up. Or a glass of champagne. Loser.

I watch movies

While I only see people on the left and right busy with their laptops. Relaxation? Tssss. Time is money, girlfriend, time is money.

I follow up on the previous point…

…and immediately grab my laptop and start typing away. I look like I'm doing something. But then an article about what it's like to fly business class for the first time. If someone looks at my screen now, I'll totally be exposed. Oh wait, I'm in a cocoon. No one sees me, HA.

I wonder how you can get rich quickly in a short time

And decide this article to read through again with my purchased wifi. Oh yes, one of the points was: behave like a rich person. I'm already completely messing that up. So, my advice: if you want to act a bit cool in business class (so not: STILL SEVEN HOURS TO FLY LOFFF IT, WOOHOOOOO.), then don't do the above, uh, at all. Look bored, ask critical questions about the food, and take nothing. Those Delft blue houses? ‘Oh no, thank you, I already have all of those.’ That kind of work.

That’s it. I'm forever spoiled. Thanks, KLM.