KIKI'S TEMPTATION ISLAND VIP GIBBERISH

Ha, disaster tourists! Ready to watch other people spoil their relationships for a web series? It really does become a bit of a case of up or down, doesn't it? In some cases, well um, quite literally. Cunt coconut, are Rosanna and Alex in the same bed together again? Ennehm Roos, did ye know the story of the donkey and the stone? On offer for us this week: flares 3.0, Niels' aggressive attack (which almost flies at a cameraman) and the girls who genuinely need victim support. Ready to riot? Here we go.

1. The voice-over is extremely upbeat this week. ‘The PACT the men struck to go FREEDOM at home is rocking ALL relationships.’ So seems really brilliant to have that job for a day. Bit of stoking, bit of rioting, just making everything three times worse.

2. Amijé (WOOHOO I WRITE IT AFTER 9 WEEKS IN ONE KEY GOOD) is suddenly not so sure of herself either. Ah. The poor girl still doesn't know it was hand in hand in the pool for that photo shoot.

3. Am I the only one who can totally accept it when Rowena or Amijé shed a tear, but gets an instant eye roll tic when Rose or Gelina starts roaring again?

4. ‘Um guys. I'm going to bed. I'm going heeeeeeeeel crazy hereo. Goddammit!’ Hahaha okay, I'm also a little worried about our Don's monogamy right now.

5. Can someone tell Rosanna that there is also a difference between not acting like a nun and once again crawling into bed with King Kong?

6. Niels when asked if he has done naughty things with Fab, laughing: ‘I'm not going to answer that. I find that annoying. Can only be used against me.’ Niels, come on, pal. Then just really don't say anything. Or yes. Is less painful.

7. The moment the whole of the Netherlands realised Stefano had quite a few issues... ‘I feel like a Playboy guy in this house. If I were single? One on my toe. One on my knee. One on my nipples. One on my ears, nose, lips and one on my you know...’

8. Seriously. The moment your guy starts calling ‘joining a seduction programme’ the greatest moment of his life, something is not going right, man.

9. Yolanthe tries to pry some extra quotes from the heartbroken women with her ‘worried’ interview tactics. Painful. Kaj also pays a visit to the men. Voice-over: ‘And they seem to be living in a parallel universe, where there's no problem.’ HAHAHA.

10. Oh yes, double dates in the making.

Team 1: Donny & Danique with Niels & Fabiola.
Activity: pull-up with that watercraft.

Niels: in love from ear to ear. ‘With my girl on the back, hair in the wind. We fit together so beautifully, it's not normal. Like it's made-to-be or something.’ MADE TO BE? Ha-ha. HA-HA-Ha. Okay, sorry.

Danique from ear to ear: ‘I was constantly looking in the mirror. Is he still having fun? Is he still smiling?’ OK, this is all pretty cute.

Donny: ‘This is the cutest date I've ever had...’
CAN THIS PROGRAMME PLEASE GET ONE MORE WEEK? I feel shit about it.

11. Let this sink in for a moment...
- Fabiola is 18
- Fabiola is on holiday with Temptation Island VIPs for the first time without her parents

12. OK, I think Ruud has a ‘really good click’ with Kelly, guys! #HHowManyTimesCanYouSay.

13. When Alex takes his game so seriously that it becomes almost awkward to watch and Rosanna answers seriously: ‘But do you like me just in terms of looks or more? Yes? Then how are we going to continue that later? Will you continue with Niels then?’

14. As the men walk to the campfire, the shit is really on with that fireworks party. The vein in Niels’ neck already starts throbbing again.

15. Oh goodness gracious. Niels sees his Rosanna snuggled up against King Kong in bed and short-circuits. ‘Sorry, but I don't feel like this for a while. You don't want to see me angry, do you? Should I start hitting or something?’
* Cameraman pees in trousers but films on.
* Give that man a promotion.

16. Breaking down at Niels' hypocrisy: been with Fabiola from day one but throwing tantrums when Rosanna drinks or gets a massage from Alex.

17. But seriously, folks, why is Niels so angry? ‘I didn't touch Fab!’ No. Then what happened there under that blanket? What is kissing and sleeping together in the open then? What happened under that shower then? Sir has been in bed with that curly-haired man for six episodes and now he's getting angry? Interesting.

18. Oooooh look, those makers are smart. They have also realised that people find the episodes with campfires the most interesting. And lo and behold: campfires two weeks in a row, by separating the men and women. Clever people.

19. The biggest difference between the male and female brain in Temptation?
Men - not kissing and not touching is not cheating. YOLO!
Women - not showing respect, massaging, talking weird about me, looking at her too long, showing sneaky behaviour, wanting to cover your channel is cheating. Jerk.

20. Meanwhile, Kaj is all smiles. Love that guy.

‘It was a spicy campfire.’

‘Later, Don!’

20. On Twitter, meanwhile, everyone is lusting after Don. ‘What kind of genes does Dries have and does he have any other sons? ’Because they're all devastatingly handsome. I need one.' Can someone come and bring 12 sons please? The rest of the editors here need one too. Pilots Street 23. Thank you.

P.S.: What we are raffling off this week on my Insta @kikiduren? Three times a ‘No girls aloud unless Fabiola’ T-shirt, an afternoon sucking earlobes with Hugh Hefner Stefano ánd a cheap ass date in Mexico at a shabby hotel swimming pool. Trust me: you don't wanna miss this.

P.P.S.: Closing with a song then?
‘Rosanna, I know there are a lot of men out there
Every time that Alex and that hurts Niels
Because your arse, with which you sometimes delight him...
Did Nielsje prefer forever?’
*Sorry, you have this in your head all day.

P.P.P.S.: Heart at the bottom if you also have to check whether Donny is crawling into bed next to Danique next week. It's not a question, it's a must.