The 10 merciless stages of muscle soreness

A right calf, the upper arm on the left, the lower part of the right buttock, my thumb (but really), and those are just four areas in the category: muscle pain. Gi-gantic, merciless, violent, tormenting muscle pain. It's not really my genre, this sports thing, but I don't want to spare you the horrors that are swirling in my – normally so relaxed – body.

1.

I went to work out and you actually know on the day itself how bad it's going to be, on a scale from 1 to 1000. My arms felt after half a kickboxing session as if someone had poured lead over them. The sports teacher in this case, and there you go promptly with this medley of humming: ooh baby, this is gonna hurt.

2.

I have muscle pain in my thumb, guys, in my thumb. Seriously? How on earth can you have pain from working out in that little, normally so optimistic guy? I don't know what's happening to me.

3.

Ooh, ah, huh, what can a warm shower be divine. Can I stay here all day? Ah... please? Just one more minute?

4.

Maybe this sounds a bit sadomasochistic, but muscle pain does brush a little against the pleasurable side. That you know you've really pushed yourself hard. It gives a strange sense of satisfaction. I had no idea I had this in me.

5.

I take back EVERYTHING I just said, but EVERYTHING. Muscle pain is not nice at all, muscle pain destroys you, muscle pain is horror. Especially if you also have it in your right buttock, yes.

6.

If I just sit very still, then I feel nothing. Just never move again in my long lazy life, then it will surely go away.

7.

Why did I wake up? I can't get out of bed, I can't get out of bed. I'm never, ever, nooooooot going to work out again. Who did I think I was? My right calf feels like a too tightly stretched elastic band and I'm awkwardly hopping towards the bathroom. I even catch myself doing a stretch exercise under a warm shower. Strange start to the day, strange start.

8.

Would it help if I move? I can't imagine it, but who knows. OUCH!

9.

It's getting better. I'm a bit more human again. A shadow of myself, but at least more than this morning. Except for my abs.

10.

And do you know what the most disgusting trick of muscle pain is? You forget it. With the result that you go again. As in: it's five minutes past and tomorrow I'll be there again. Crap. Someday, in a distant future, it seems to get less. Hoping for the best. I'm going, I promise. No excuses.