The things you better not say to your husband in bed

I prefer not to name names, especially not of women I admire immensely, but a certain well-known person told me that she sometimes gives her husband a ‘wildcard’ to spice things up in bed. By wildcard, she meant that he can do anything with her. Now, I would also calmly give my husband a wildcard because I consider the chance of ending up tied up in an SM cellar to be quite small, but some people are better left without the wrong ideas. Therefore, here’s a list of things you should never say in bed:

“You can do anything with me that you want”

The reason for this is very simple: you never know what might pop up. A friend of mine once had a boyfriend who admitted that he would like to wear her underwear during sex. In the spirit of the wildcard, she allowed it. He was in seventh heaven, she had to laugh about it. But the genie was out of the bottle. Before she knew it, that bra had to be on all the time. On him, mind you. Now, I’m not against fantasies, not at all, but there’s a reason it’s a fantasy. It’s probably over the edge; otherwise, he would just do it.

“I sometimes fantasize about someone else during sex”

Of course, we all do this sometimes, and yes, he does too. When you’ve known each other for a while, you’ve seen and experienced everything, and sometimes an innocent little fantasy can give you just that final push to the finish line. For you, it’s very clear that you would never want to be taken by a bicycle mechanic on the workbench in reality, but for him, your brainchild might just take on a life of its own. That you just happen to have a flat tire for the second time in two weeks, and he suspiciously asks: ‘Again?’ (This is not autobiographical, just a little bit.)

Say nothing (while it hurts)

I don’t know if you’ve read my post about the orgasm gap but men finish during sex much more often than women. We can blame him for that, but it’s also really a bit our own fault. We don’t always indicate what we like and what we don’t. And sometimes your gnome canoe (this is really the funniest word for ‘vagina’, I just had to use it) isn’t ready to be sailed. Not only can penetration be painful, it can also be harmful. Irritated mucous membranes are more sensitive to fungi and bad bacteria, and you definitely don’t want that. Therefore, I suggest we educate men better by indicating more clearly what feels good and what doesn’t. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for the next one.

“Is he already in?”

A friend of mine had a one-night stand with a model. He was tall, muscular, and very successful. Only, as she told me, he was afflicted with a micropenis. She really had no idea whether he was already in the house or not. (After that, she ended up in a relationship with him, and I spent a year with him at parties, dinners, and birthday parties with this knowledge. So, advice within advice: don’t talk to your friends about size.) We can laugh about this, but it’s obviously terrible for a man. We are more critical of ourselves, but our advantage is that you can really fix everything with a plastic surgeon. It’s different for him. You can stick a few centimeters onto a thumb, but it will never become a child’s arm. Being truly honest about his size is the same as if your man would be truly honest if you asked him if you are too fat. Or telling a bride that white doesn’t suit her. So just keep it to yourself. Wondering if he’s in? You’ll notice it from his own reaction. A silver lining: he’s the perfect man to explore the pleasures of anal sex.