We need to talk about: you will be that

I was channel surfing and I was completely into it. With my mouth open and everything. And with sympathy for Sophie Hilbrand. And respect. Because you have to be able to do it: keep a straight face while a woman in front of you is massaging someone with her bare breasts and talking about her job as a sex worker. I was watching in fascination and want to chat with you all about it.

That Helene

I know her, right? I had that feeling the whole time. So today I googled my suspicion (yes, that's a word, yes) and sure enough, what I thought was true. It was that Helene we were all talking about when LINDA.tv started. She lived with two men and told everything about what we wanted to know.

One of the men was gone

Apparently. No sign of a jacuzzi or steam shower. It wasn't mentioned further, or I must have just been channel surfing again. She filled her gap of intimacy (I spontaneously typed ‘intimitiet’) with a new job: that of a sex worker. And she talked all about it. Wrapped in a sarong and nothing on top except for two creamy breasts reaching to her navel.

Did you think this too?

I could only wonder if she was wearing panties under that sarong or not. In other words: was she massaging someone on the back with her bare vajayjay or was it all uncovered down there? I'm afraid I suspect the answer.

A bit about Sophie

I seriously think you are one of the prettiest women in the Netherlands, but a tiny bit of make-up doesn't hurt, you know. It radiates just a bit more respect and ‘I made an effort for you’. I know it's not your style, but really, there is a middle ground and it's almost a shame to say that someone with your beauty doesn't exploit it a bit more. I had to say that. Eyebrow, lip gloss, mascara; I don't need more than that.

And while I'm at it...

There are also other clothing items than checkered blouses...

Then the other lady

She looked like a strict dominatrix/secretary, but had the calling in life to bring others to great sexual heights. That worked out well because she herself had quite a high libido, she spoke businesslike. How big is that then? I understand that Sophie didn't dare to ask that. But how often do you do it then? The home front was okay; her daughters said their mother was a ‘coach’. And yes, she also sometimes reached climax herself.

But then this

When Sophie, after all the openness about climaxing, working in prostitution, and having sex with mentally disabled people and nonagenarians, asks how old her daughters are, she answers: ‘Somewhere between 12 and 14’...

Okay, so suddenly you're going to be very mysterious about that? In the vein of: how often do you climax? Well, about twelve times a day. And what do you like to eat on your bread in the morning? Well, I'd rather not answer that. I found it at least a bit odd to mention.

How delightful was that photoshoot

Of the aforementioned lady then. For her website. On a quiet dike, she was totally showing off like Doutzen. Especially the swinging movement from bottom left to top right with her chin that she executed at the photographer's request was just brilliant. Masterful.

And then the jacuzzi scene

Sophie (who by the way really worked hard for this episode, man, so many locations she visited) finished it off with an evaluative conversation with Helene. Her boyfriend joined in. In fact, he almost slid in, because they had chosen their jacuzzi as the location. It was in a little garden where seven garden gnomes could have been standing. Maybe they were there, but I was too preoccupied with all of Helene's uncovered noble parts and her beloved.

Tough Sophie also dove into the bath, but in a bikini. Helene (and her navel-touching bust) was naked and crossed her legs over those of her equally naked and completely shaved partner. He stroked her arm, she stroked his leg. I got a déjà-vu from the past: that you slept over at a friend's house and her boyfriend also came over and you hoped all night uncomfortably that one thing wouldn't lead to another because how awkward would that all be. That feeling. Especially when the boyfriend suddenly held his legs very tightly together and seemed to hide his penis. Because an erection was coming? I don't want to know it all but I keep watching. I think Sophie had the same sentiment because I saw her panicking slightly as she gulped down her glass of champagne in one go.

What was also quite surprising was that they were going to talk about politics in this setting, and that there should be oversight on sex workers. And that Helene felt the need to spar with someone about the profession. But all of that while she was naked with her erection-hiding man. And Sophie, who in the meantime was biting the inside of her cheek to avoid bursting into laughter.

Oh guys, how I would have loved to sit in the car on the way back with Sophie and her camera crew.