Gone romance: being married does not make you happier

It was a beautiful weekend, last year in May. It was warm, there was atmosphere and there was a lot of love.

I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for anything and I still can't look back at the photos without getting emotional. Let alone reread the speeches. What a moment in my life: my wedding. Yet, according to researchers, I should have better left that whole thing behind, because women would not become happier from marriage. Because, according to scientists: ‘The healthiest and happiest subgroup of the population consists of women who have never married or had children.’ I really did that awkwardly, with a ring on my finger and two little boys on my lap.

Previous studies do show that married people are happier than unmarried people, but this effect fades after two years.

According to science, it goes like this. It often seems that as a single you need to make sure you get into a relationship as soon as possible. But what you might not consider is that you can also end up in a wrong relationship. Having a partner who doesn't challenge you, who just doesn't really listen to you, who thinks more about themselves, who doesn't find your dreams important, who can easily trade you in for a younger and blonder version. Ultimately, you can become a lot unhappier with a mediocre man as a woman than if you stay single and pursue your own life goals.

Not getting married then? According to the CBS, the Netherlands has over three million ‘married couples’, but there are many more couples who are together, have children, and live together but are not married. Maybe they have thought it through better than my husband and I, because it saves you a lot of money and planning. But if you are in the marriage team, then the question remains... Is it true that married people are happier because of marriage or that initially happier people tend to marry faster? That sounds somewhat plausible, because happy people are generally nicer partners and will therefore find a lover to cohabit with more quickly. And this love question remains difficult to answer.

And because the answer cannot be given, I would say: just do what you want. If you don't want to marry but want children, that's fine. If you want to marry and rent a huge estate for a mega party with flowers and saxophones, that's also fine. Do what makes you happy and what fits your life. As long as you are with the right man – then everything is good.