“How nice, a little Tess!”

Tess Hoens' life is great, but even with her, there are things that don't quite go the way she wished they would. And that's what she wants to write about. Because there's already enough of appearances and because honesty helps.

Okay, the first disappointment was of course still easy to put into perspective. We went out for dinner that evening and I must honestly say that I ordered a glass of wine with great anticipation, because that was still allowed. But however you twist it, such a first disappointment, the first negative pregnancy test that you hope is positive and not the other way around (because yes, testing and hoping for a negative result, we all know that too) puts pressure on the kettle. The playful ‘we'll see how it goes’ quickly disappears. We noticed how much we both wanted this.

Along with that came the first question marks about my own body. Why was I not getting my period? Why was I so bloated? Nauseous? Google became my greatest enemy and it still is to this day. Everyone knows it: according to my enemy, I had already died five times, was pregnant with triplets, and had been infertile. I tried to reassure myself with a term I also found on the internet: ‘coming off the pill’. I hadn't had my period for four months, but according to that theory, it had to do with my body getting used to not taking the pill.

My boyfriend thought I should call the doctor, not so much because he was afraid something was wrong, but because I was torturing myself with all these doomsday scenarios and he didn't want to hear the worrying any longer. He is quite the type of ‘don't worry, everything will be fine’. For me, a very nice counterbalance to my own not-so-carefree brain, but at times I could stick him behind the wallpaper with his nonchalant attitude. Anyway, I hate calling the doctor and like to postpone it for weeks, but my dear boyfriend got his way.

The doctor, whom I have had since I was six, said in his always calming tone that I didn't need to worry and should call back if I hadn't gotten my period in August (!). It was now April... He asked me if I was only concerned about my health or if I had a desire for children. I hesitated for a moment, it still felt private. ‘Desire for children,’ I said as nonchalantly as possible. ‘How nice, a little Tess,’ he replied.

The combination of his suddenly personal approach and the fact that I hadn't spoken to an outsider about our wish before made me choke up. A ‘yes, umm, nice, thanks for your time’ followed and I hung up. Now I had to let it go until August, no more worries until the end of summer.

Would that work?