Kiki's Temptation Island gibberish

Hears sad little voice in the back of my head: you and meeee… we used to be together… Every day together, always. I really feeheeheeel that I’m losin’ my best friend. I can’t believe this could be… the end… Well, it seems like none of them care a single bit on that island. Cheryl Cole wouldn’t be proud, nothing ‘we gotta fight fight fight for this love’, which love actually this season? ‘Fuck you’ by Lilly Allen is more appropriate.

But hey, you don’t hear me complaining, we wanted legendary television after last yawning season, so you can get it too. Pregnancies, anger management issues, sexism, pH levels of vaginas defined in hashtags: we can’t get enough of it. The ultimate relationship test has another highlight: the couples get to spend time one last time with their biggest temptation. Oh yes: it’s dreamdate time. You ready? Almost weekend, folks. First, let’s chat a bit.

1. ‘I’m being very honest, Kaj. It’s a Champions League after all. We can’t get around it. And I have a sentimental bond with both players.‘ Just check Gorgels’ face when Orpheo says he wants to take two women on a dreamdate. Realize: this man can’t even be monogamous to the temptresses of Temptation Island. HAHAAAAILOVETHISTELEVISION.

2. Ah no. My boy Damian is breaking the whole bed. Sweaty mustache, everything. Can someone give that man a hug instead of a lapdance?

3. Huh, what is Djamiah saying now? Shirley brings down the female race? And that’s said by someone who’s upside down flapping her labia from a tree?

4. And every time I think it can’t get worse with this pole-dancing chick, she makes me laugh again. ‘One’s dead is another’s bread. NEUKEEEEE! I want to see all the fucking corners of the room. And the garden.’

5. If you’re wondering what gunshot wound Yasmin has on her forehead: I was wondering about that too. So I just asked her. Just check here on Stories.

6. HAHAHA OMG that rabbit image of Thomas and Danielle that is then played on drillbit speed. Do you even have sex on teevee, it’s played at x8 speed making you look like a sexually frustrated, horny crazy gnome. Nice one Tho! Fun, right, participating in reality tv?

7. Meanwhile, we’re increasingly wondering if Orphie has abused the temptresses in that house. Angie and Laetitia have a mission. ‘We’re NOT doing it to irritate her. But to help her. We also have the hashtag #SaveLiessinde.’ Text ‘SAVE LIES’ to 3030 and save this woman.

8. Daniëlle ‘the oldest and naughtiest’ and Tho are fully enjoying the dreamdate and the gentleman dives into the water naked. Honestly: if you’re single in your head, you might as well enjoy that free vacation to the fullest, right?

9. Tweet of the week for sure, HAHAHA: ‘It seems like Orpheo randomly gets 19 words from the production to make a sentence. That guy is not right. #temptationislandvips’

10. No, but seriously, I’m cracking up over his word choice. He has a ‘sentimental bond’ with Angie and Laetitia and he appreciates it when a woman ‘presents herself transparently’ by cooking. ‘That’s a concession I certainly appreciate.’

P.S.. Still not enough of Temptation? Follow me on @kikiduren for more nonsense and misery. Oh and, I was in bed this week with Damian, Yasmin, Shirley, and Orpheo. Believe me: it didn’t go well at all with that, uh, amount of champagne. Check the #inbedmetkiek highlight on my Insta.

P.P.S. Heart at the bottom if you can’t wait for next week. UNRAVELINGSSSSS ORPHEO AND LIESSINDE ARE WEARING A SHIRT WITH EACH OTHER'S HEAD.

P.P.P.S: Funny. How many. People. Are. Confused. When. An. Article. Doesn’t. End. The. Way. One. Actually. Dick.