Kiki’s Temptation ISLAND VIPS BRABBELS

I... I... don't know where to start. Hooooly lord. I don't know what's happening over there in Thailand, but the chicks gone wild. One relationship after another is being ended from a distance. Not this year because the men can't keep their tampeloeres in check, but because the women... well, WHAT ACTUALLY? Are they just done with it? Suddenly?

No, this year is the Curse of Tempah Island mercilessly hard. The boys get to see on a bamboo bench via an iPad how their girlfriend declares that she has decided to be single. Why? No idea. Look, I'm not often Team Dude here, but strange things are happening this year, ladies, it must be said.

Anyway, Cupid has been mowed down, hearts are being broken as hard as they can, it's all revenge, mess, and misery on the menu for the rest of this season and actually I think: well. The inner disaster tourist in me should be partying, but my inner romantic is taking over now and thinks: DAMN boys, is it really that hard? Mama is not so proud at the moment.

Anyway, everything I thought about episode 11.

Poor Damian.
Poor Damian.
Poor Damian.

1. Every time they start the episode with shots of the mess left over in the morning after the nightly escapades, I can only think: it would be your job. The. Horror.

2. So, I just wonder, Joris who escorts Shirley one meter to her room, wannabe protective and says: ‘Don't do anything crazy, okay.’ What should she do then?

3. Yo, yo, yoyo waddup. It's ya girl MC Kiekster keeping the rap level high this season in the absence of Sidney. ‘Here some vitamin C, then you'll feel okay. Got a hangover? Call Damian later. While you're throwing up in the toilet, he'll bring you some fruit at your bed.’

4. Which suddenly brings me to a seriously brilliant business plan, Damian. The Later-Hangover-Express. You arrive on a scooter. With a nice breakfast and aspirin. Seriously: call me if you want to get rich.

6. So the theory goes that women come from Venus and men from Mars. Can someone tell me from which self-created universe Orpheo comes? And whether we should be worried about this planet and the people that come from it?

7. ‘Honestly, I hope that firework is for me. That means Yasmin is getting sauced now.’ Oh wait, Thomas also comes from planet Orpheo.

8. SHIRLEY, GURL, I LOVE YOU, SPIRIT ANIMAL, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? HUH? HOW THEN??

9. When Pommeline for the first time doesn't cry but just says something funny. ‘If I have to throw up, can someone hold my braid? Thanks.’

10. Julia: ‘And Orpheo, who are you taking on a dream date?’ ‘Laetitia still has time tonight to show what qualities she has.’ You can see them thinking, those women. You can see them looking... What a tropical nightmare.

11. Oh my god, Damian at this campfire. His face as Thomas is still up next at the campfire. He knows right away that it's not good. Ah no. I can just see the pain in his heart. I find this so fucking sad suddenly. Shirley in a leopard suit laughing and shooting behind the bar and Damian smashing everything. Breaks. My. Heart.

12. Can someone please tell Damian that eating your fist is just technically not possible? I've tried it too. It really doesn't fit.

Next week: uh oh. Shirley is lying next to Joris in bed and says to the camera: ‘Sorry, Damian’. Oh no. This season. Mark my words: all relationships are going to hell.

P.S.: Tweets of the week for sure.

– ‘Thomas really doesn't know what he did, well boy maybe you should smell your fingers.’

– ‘Hahahah I can't anymore, he's sitting with his shirt open at the campfire, was it hot boy?! #temptationislandvips’

– ‘I get a certain feeling that Liessinde still believes in the tooth fairy.’

– ‘That Djamiah, how is she supposed to look her colleagues straight in the eye every day now? Or would she also be twerking on the bar of that restaurant in a thong after closing time.’

– ‘Can we talk about how sweet Stuwey's voice is! And also his way of speaking. So soft and sweet. I melt every time.’

P.P.S.: Follow me on Insta via @kikduren for more TV ramblings, mess, and misery.

P.P.P.S.: Heart at the bottom if you – no matter how nice Shirley is – are still Team Damian in these harsh times. Digital hug for you, friend.