Once a cheater, always a cheater; can a relationship recover from infidelity?

This is a bit of a sensitive point. I regularly talk about this with my girlfriends and I think this is in the top 3 of relationship issues that people often don't agree on. Because yes, what is cheating actually? One person considers a kiss to be cheating, while another draws the line at sex. For me, the first is already cheating and I don't think any of my girlfriends would be happy if their lover was spotted kissing someone else. But besides kissing others, we apparently also need to be vigilant about overactive Instagramming with someone else. Wherever that line lies for you, when someone crosses it, we can speak of cheating. And yes, is that relationship still salvageable?

To get straight to the point: I personally think not. I have not experienced in my surroundings that a relationship truly recovers from cheating. And research also shows that the statement ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ is indeed true. This is said to be due to the amygdala. The what? Yes, I had never heard of it either, but it is a part of your brain that ensures that the more you lie, the less impact it has on you and the easier it becomes.

And then research from the University of Nevada also shows that 33% of people who cheat have also experienced their parents cheating. Right: I got it from my mama. Bad excuse, but such an example apparently really does follow. But well, as I said: it is the worst excuse ever to blame your parents for your cheating. Fortunately, I have not experienced that excuse either. You often hear that someone was ‘just’ looking for excitement or that it ‘just happened before you knew it’. Anyway, end of story, if you ask me.

Especially if someone actually falls in love with someone else than their partner. Then you really can't tell me that your old relationship is ever going to be restored. Being in love with someone else says enough to me. Then you are with the wrong person if you continue with your current ‘relationship’ (or what is left of it). And I hear a lot of excuses; whether it's about children, or that they live together or are even married... I find it all weak. And why would you want someone as a partner who is in love with someone else? I hope you deserve more than that.

American relationship therapist Esther Perel also believes that your relationship ends forever when cheating comes to light. And the only way a relationship can still be saved is by starting a ‘new’ relationship. With each other or with someone else. A second marriage, as she says. But she also firmly states that a second marriage often happens, but almost never between the same people. Always nice when science supports my view.

And well, maybe it's a utopian thought of mine, but I hope to someday find that relationship where you are both faithful, and more importantly: that you really want to be. And I also hope that I put my money where my mouth is and kindly yet firmly show the door to anyone who cheats on me. Because yes, I also know: this all sounds very steadfast and confident, but I have recently also gone quite wrong with my good trust and blind infatuation. In any case, I am sure that I will never be the latest seducer from Temptation Island. Never doubted that either. Can you see me sitting with this sermon on that island; that would be an even worse season than this year, I fear.