The cinema codes that everyone must adhere to

On Saturday evening, I went to Pathé Tuschinski in Amsterdam, because at half past 9 ‘A Star Is Born’ was playing. You know, that movie where they almost hand out packs of Kleenex at the entrance of the theater. I stumbled to my cinema seat. I always stumble to my cinema seat because you can't see a hand in front of your face. Well, I settled into that red tub and watched breathlessly for two hours and fifteen minutes at Bradley Cooper and Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. That's the real name of Lady Gaga, but after that movie, I just want to call her Stefani. Breathless, or almost breathless. Because there were quite a few people in the theater who completely ignored the following cinema codes:

It's good to disclaim that ‘A Star Is Born’ is next level emo. You get sucked into the most beautiful love story ever filmed. So for a heavy story where a lump in your throat hangs for over two hours, at least these rules apply. What you do during a movie like ‘Second Act’ starring Jennifer Lopez is up to you.

1. The movie hasn't even started yet. First, you have over twenty minutes of commercials. Those are for chatting with your date, girlfriend, mother, or whoever. Then there are people who shush the rest of the audience with a sharp ‘sssst’. Please, go hang out somewhere else, Officer Bromsnor.

2. Okay, the movie does start and from then on I'm team ‘silence in the theater’. Coming in late so that a whole row has to stand up: incredibly annoying. And of course, you're going to laugh, cry, or jump during the movie, but preferably at a small/medium level. I once sat next to someone who thought they had lines too and started a sort of dialogue with the screen. Sigh.

3. Before we go to the cinema, everyone fills a bag with muffins, wine gums, and Milka bars at Albert Heijn. Usually, those are gone for me after the trailers. Suppose you've saved some for during the movie, remember this: Ham-cheese-chips are delicious, but not at the quietest moment of the film.

4. I held it together during ‘A Star Is Born’, but at the very last moment, that lump in my throat turned into a big tear rolling down my cheek. And then pling, pling, pling, all the lights came on. So this is a cinema code for all cinemas in the Netherlands: keep those lights dimmed. At least for a minute or five. I still have some time to recover.

5. Or this: for two hours, you are taken into a story. In the meantime, I've fallen in love with Bradley and want to go through life as Stefani from now on. And then the movie ends and the whole theater sprints out like Usain Bolt. No, I really don't understand that. At least stay seated until the credits. Or until the cleaners tell you to leave.

Enjoy the show.