The moment your child falls for the first time

All mothers will recognize this feeling, I am sure of that. Because there is no feeling that can compare to this.

I still hear the sound in my head. I can picture it so clearly again. My smallest, dearest Daaf falls out of his buggy, onto the hard tiles on the ground. We are outside in the garden, sitting a meter away from him reading a book in the sun. He is sleeping. Bodi is sleeping too. They are both lying flat in the buggy, with straps on, of course. Life is good, the day is drifting by. I have no idea what happens when I hear a strange sound. Klats.

I look and see my little boy lying on the ground. My son who is just a few months old. The feeling I experience at that moment for the very first time is almost impossible to put into words. I get a sort of panic attack, I feel nauseous, gasp for air, tremble. I hear a loud cry half a second later. Thank God. He is still alive, I think immediately.

My husband and I run to him and pick him up. He seems fine, we can see that right away. The buggy is quite low to the ground. He doesn't even have a bump, no scrape, nothing. He is just crying very hard because he is startled. I tremble from head to toe. My husband has to hold him because I can't do it for a moment. I am so afraid that he has broken something, that he is in pain, that something terrible has happened, that he has fallen on his head. I shout that we need to go to the doctor. I scream that I am calling an ambulance, now. But Daaf is completely fine. It is not necessary. A quarter of an hour later he is playing again and he has no scratch, no bump, no bruise: nothing. But I do. I am still shaking on my legs an hour later.

I know that children fall and are active and play and sometimes hurt themselves. I know that the bigger Bodi and Daaf get, the more often they will stub their toes or get their fingers caught in the door. Or get a soccer ball in the face. Or swing out of a tree because kids climb and wrestle and romp. I know it. But how do other mothers do this? I have literally never been so scared as I was then. It flashes through your mind in a nanosecond: he won't survive this. While children fall and stumble more often, so it is exaggerated, but you still think it. It is the primal instinct of motherhood that takes over. After that, the feeling of guilt prevails. I am a bad mother. Shouldn't I have strapped him in the buggy better? Shouldn't I have stayed by the buggy reading? Why do I even have that damn buggy? Why didn't I put him in his bed? I can still worry and dwell on it. That scar that Daaf never had after his fall, I do have.

Very often I still think back to that terrible moment. The shock from then has made me more fearful as a mother. I never leave him alone for a second on the changing table or anywhere else where he could roll off: the couch, pouf, the bed. He is a lively little boy, I know that by now. I protect him with everything I have. I was already doing that, but now even more, because I feel that he needs me. And when he is quietly sleeping in bed, I always check if he is breathing. I do that with his brother too, you know.

God, you think during your pregnancy that you will be a relaxed mother who just does everything with a smile. Until you are really a mother. Then you have of sadness and hopelessness dominate; with anxiety, you mainly experience extreme worry and panic. In a functional freeze, you're in a situation where you actually don't feel; it seems as if you're detached from yourself. feelings that you can't explain, they are that strong. Sorry Daaf, for that stupid day in the buggy. Please don't bump your head until you are, well, maybe twenty-seven?