The crisis of your thirties: this is what you can do about it

In the past, you always knew how to explain in detail what you wanted to become, and now suddenly you are shocked to the core as you sip your third coffee of the morning. You are old. Big. Reasonably wise. And it's later.

And well, are you doing what you always dreamed of? Nice, that diploma and that you got accepted at that one company, but do you really have that amazing job you envisioned? That man who fits into your picture? Those children that you either wanted or didn't want before you turned thirty, those trips that shone high on your bucket list? It can sometimes be tough to be in your thirties. Because the pressure is high and you have to perform. And that is all amplified by social media.

I actually hear it every day around me. ‘I need to see a life coach. I do so much but actually nothing that makes me truly happy.’ As a psychologist, I have a pretty good sense of where it goes wrong for many (almost) thirty-somethings: they listen to others and not to themselves. Because their half Instagram feed is going on vacation to Tulum, they feel they also have to travel the half world and scoop out trendy pineapples and see crazy temples. And while they would rather lie on the couch for two weeks and binge-watch Netflix.

Being happy is something tricky and is heavily researched in psychology. An interesting phenomenon is the so-called ‘hedonic treadmill’. It basically comes down to: the more you get, the more you want. It's never enough. If you always dreamed of having a Louis Vuitton on your arm and you finally managed to buy it, you notice: it doesn't actually make me as happy as I always expected. Now you actually prefer that Dior shopper or that Mulberry with crocodile pattern. It is human to quickly return to your normal level of happiness. Most of the time you ‘feel‘ like a 7: not extremely unhappy, not extremely shout-it-from-the-rooftops-happy. If you win the lottery, you might be a 10 for a day, but then quickly back to a 7. That's where the whole quarterlife crisis comes from. We think we will be happier if we can book a honeymoon to the Bahamas/promote and earn a thousand euros more per month/be successful or famous. But surprise: there is no pot of gold to be found when you achieve all this. How often do you read about famous, successful, and moreover incredibly rich people (Avicii, for example), who are utterly unhappy? Exactly. And that's why being in your thirties is so disappointing. We want so much. We think that what we want will make us happy. But no. If you get a raise, you notice that you still don't go to work with more joy. You are back to being a seven. The more you get, the more you always want. Day after day. Exhausting.

So what should you do if you don't want to succumb to that thirty-something crisis, if you want to become a somewhat cheerful and happy forty-something? Adjust your expectations. See what is already there in your life. Be happy with what is already there. That roof over your head, those best friends, that caring father and mother. That third cup of coffee in the morning. Recently, a friend of mine received a handwritten note from her grandfather. A man who is truly wise. It didn't say much, but there was one sentence that touched me: ‘Happiness is keeping what you have.’ We thirty-somethings can learn a lot from that.