“I ask my friend the questions he would rather not answer”

The life of Tess Hoens is wonderful, but even she has things that don't quite go as she had hoped. And she wants to write about that. Because there is already enough of a facade and because honesty helps. Tess has a desire for children, but getting pregnant is still not working. This week she reflects on when she had to ask her boyfriend.

‘It is September 2019 and almost two years since we decided to go for a child. Where I was still relatively relaxed in the first year, with here and there an exception, that became less over time. More and more often it gripped me by the throat that it might never work and I asked my boyfriend questions about how we would solve it. ‘Do you want to adopt then? Or a surrogate mother with your sperm?’ I asked him. Questions he preferred not to answer because he always believed in it. Sometimes he did answer, then he told me that he would choose what I would feel most comfortable with. And that no matter what happened, I would always be the sweetest and best mother for our child. In those moments, I loved him even more than usual.

But now, I have reached a point where my emotions have somewhat flattened. I think it is out of self-protection. I am no longer afraid, I even think more often about a life without children and that I can always continue to do all the things I want. And there might be something to say for that. I know I am lying to myself, that I am fooling myself with the idea that I would be okay with that, but it keeps me calm. I am just becoming a bit more bitter. I am trying my best to counteract it but it is not working. I am starting to get irritated by questions that friends ask. They don't understand. I am starting to get irritated by stories my mother tells about someone who also has trouble getting pregnant. I don't know that person and I only feel sorry for myself. And the happy, tender feeling I used to get when seeing pregnant women has been replaced by bitter jealousy.

I no longer recognize myself and hate that I have become such a begrudger. The only thing that still makes me very happy is seeing children. I feel my mouth forming a smile then and in those moments I know that I will never settle for not having a family in my life. I love children.’