‘I had a fling with my cousin that no one knows about’

Michelle (25) keeps a big secret from her family and friends. No one knows that she has been messing around with her cousin for a long time. She doesn't dare to call it a relationship, but she knows it will cause a lot of awkward faces if it ever comes out.

‘Our family is quite large and not everyone is very close. My uncle and aunt have two sons, the oldest of whom is two years older than me. We live in the same city, so I saw them a lot from a young age. As I got older, I saw my cousin more often in the pub and during nights out. We always clicked well, but now that we were in the same life phase, it was even more so. My friends were also crazy about him, and I understood that: he is a very handsome guy and super charming.

It also turned out to click well between my friends and his friends, so we started meeting up more often as a group. Eventually, it became one big friend group. Our parents thought it was great too. They were just happy to see how close we were. That was about six years ago. Quite a long time already, and for the first few years, there was ‘nothing going on’, so to speak. But two years ago, something changed. Our contact became better, more intimate, and also a bit flirtier. I didn’t even think about the fact that he was my cousin anymore, because we were such good friends. That’s no excuse, of course, but I really didn’t think about it. When we went out for drinks one Saturday night because the others couldn’t make it, I didn’t really think much of it. Of course, it wasn’t a date. We were family and above all friends, in my opinion. But many drinks later, suddenly there was that kiss. And the strange thing is, it didn’t even really surprise me. And it felt so good.

We were both completely confused. What is this? Flustered, we both went to our own homes. A day later, I received a message: ‘We need to talk about this, okay?’ I was still so confused that I didn’t want to see him, so it turned into a long phone call. He said that kiss felt really good for him too, and very natural. That was exactly the same for me. But yes: cousin and cousin… That just can’t be. So we decided not to tell anyone and that it wouldn’t happen again. But the next evening we saw each other again, I felt it immediately: I really like him. That kiss felt too good and I longed so much for more. That evening we kissed again. Secretly, because no one was allowed to know. And it continued like that until the — for us inevitable — next step came: we went to bed together. Strangely enough, that felt very strange for me, and I was so preoccupied with the fact that this was not good at all, what we were doing. I couldn’t relax at all and just thought; this has to stop. I stayed over and we tried again the next morning, but it was as if my body was blocking. It suddenly felt so wrong and I didn’t understand what we were doing anymore. There was no future in this, right? Our parents would be devastated if they saw us like this.

I cut it off immediately. That morning we had a long conversation. Unfortunately, he felt differently than I did: he was sure that he was really in love with me and wanted to give it a chance. Despite what our surroundings would think. That makes it very difficult between us now, even though it was some time ago. We have consciously taken some distance, which is not always easy because our friend group overlaps so much. But I give him space and keep myself more and more at a distance. Luckily, because I now really know for sure: this was really not good. And I will never tell anyone about it.’

In this unusual time, we asked people to share their honest story. To avoid hurting others, Michelle's name has been changed.