Real life: “I am still having sex with my ex”

Naomi (29) is head over heels in love with her boyfriend Bas (27), but secretly she still often has sex with her ex-boyfriend.

‘Bas was sitting next to me on the plane. I was on my way to a two-week retreat in Bali, to see if I could breathe some life back into my broken heart. He was heading to Kuala Lumpur on a whim, with a few days in Singapore in between. I was engrossed in my phone, sending one last message to Stefan before I would literally leave him behind in the Netherlands. When someone plopped down next to me in the seat, I looked up. Salt-and-pepper curls, a crooked smile, and green eyes. Maybe those twelve hours of flying wouldn't be so boring after all.

He had a book, I had a book, with occasional glances when we saw the same thing. During the meal, we complained a bit about airplane food, and around coffee time, the travel plans were on the table. Bas was really nice, I even forgot about Stefan for a moment, with whom I had jumped into bed for the very last time the night before. Just to get it over with. By the time we landed, I was almost no longer looking forward to my healthy two weeks in Bali. And when Bas put an arm around me as a goodbye in the polished arrival hall of Singapore, I felt even less excited. He wanted my number and promised he would call when he was back in the Netherlands. Which he did. At that first cappuccino coffee at that little table months later on the Overtoom, it was clear: I was sold.

Only Stefan wasn't as out of my life as Bas thought. I no longer lived with him, the relationship was over, and our love was really done, but we still saw each other. For sex. From the beginning, it seemed like Stefan could read my mind. He knew exactly where to kiss me, how hard or soft, and I always came. Conversely, I was addictive for Stefan; when I said no, he only wanted more. And now that I was with Bas, he just showed up at my door more often.

Bas makes me happy. He is the man I want to have breakfast in bed with on Sunday mornings, read the newspaper with, and take a flight without a plan. We do that often. There's nothing wrong with the sex; he knows exactly what I like, but it's just not as sex-sex as with Stefan. I tried to ignore him; I didn't respond to his messages and didn't pick up the phone, but every time he showed up at my door, I let him in.

One Saturday morning, it almost went wrong. I was home and just finished a yoga class when the doorbell rang. It was Stefan. He pushed me into the hallway. With one hand, he pulled my shirt up, and with the other, he held me tightly. I couldn't do anything against him; I didn't want to do anything against him. There on the floor, we had the best sex ever, after which he disappeared just as quickly. I wandered to the shower to recover, and just as I stepped under the warm stream, I heard a very cheerful: ‘Surprise, darling.’ It was Bas.

This has to stop; I just don't know if I can live without the sex with Stefan.’

In this unusual time, we asked people for their honest story. To avoid hurting others, the names of Naomi, Bas, and Stefan have been changed.