Real life: ‘I have never had an orgasm and I am ashamed of it’

Melanie (24) has just finished her studies and lives with two housemates. She was offered a job at her internship and actually feels really good about herself. There is just one thing she keeps hidden from everyone: she has never had an orgasm and she doesn't dare to tell anyone.

‘My friends and I discuss everything with each other, we are very open. I used to be like that too, always cheerful and a real open book for my surroundings. I also have a good relationship with my parents and I can turn to them with my problems. When I got my first boyfriend, I told my mother all about it in great detail. My first kiss was the same. And my first time having sex, I could also talk to my mother about that.

My mother was completely open to that. She asked if he had been nice to me during my deflowering. At that time, he was my boyfriend and she had known him for a while and understood that I had a good feeling about him. He had also been very sweet to me and I only have nice memories of my first time. In the end, I was with my ex for almost three years and I still talk to him sometimes.

When I started studying in ‘the big city’ (I come from a smaller village), I, like all my friends, really let loose. Going out, drinking, and boys. At that time, I lived in a big house with five housemates, so every night was a party. Little sleep, little studying, and mostly having a lot of fun. I didn't have a serious relationship during that time, just flings.

And those flings were, of course, extensively discussed among us. The size of his genitals, how he was in bed, could he finger a bit or did he make weird noises... Nothing was left unsaid. Except for one small thing. My friends often asked if my last sex partner ‘was any good’ and I often gave an honest answer. But just because I had a nice night with a guy didn't mean I had orgasmed.

Because that has never happened to me. Or well, happened... I have never had an orgasm, that's for sure. I did discuss it with my first boyfriend, but we were 15 at the time. It seemed very logical to me that you wouldn't have an orgasm during the first few times having sex. But that orgasm never came afterwards. At first, I talked about it with my boyfriend, but he became so insecure that I eventually just pretended. He was so proud that he had made me orgasm for the first time, I didn't want to ruin that for him.

Because I didn't really get into a serious relationship afterwards but mostly had casual flings, I also didn't dare to bring it up. I did tell my friends about it about five years ago and they were really shocked. They said that I couldn't know what I liked and what would make me orgasm if I never masturbated.

And I don't do that and have never done it. I just don't have the urge. I really enjoy sex and find it nice, but I have never been aroused on my own. I have tried watching porn, but I feel so incredibly embarrassed that I turned it off after a minute or two. Sometimes I wonder if I might be asexual, because this can't be normal, right?

It also somewhat ruins sex for me now, because I am very much preoccupied with it in my head. I know that this will only ensure that it doesn't work at all, but it feels like I have landed in a bit of a vicious circle. And how can I ever have an orgasm if I have never really been aroused? I just hope it's a matter of finding the right partner, but more and more I think that it just won't happen for me.’

In this unusual time, we asked people to share their honest story. To avoid hurting others, Melanie's name has been changed.

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