Real life: I use drugs because my friend does

Roos (27) has been together with Dennis (34) for a year, but because of him, she uses drugs, even though she doesn't really want to. 

‘Dennis and I have been in a relationship for about a year now. Before that, we flirted for a long time: almost a year. In that phase when we weren't official yet, I tried as best as I could to win him over. How? Very simple: I just behaved like his ideal wife would. Now I realize that that person is very far from who I really am.

I met Dennis two years ago at a techno party, which I actually didn't want to go to, but I was persuaded by friends. I don't really like that music, but my friends are always so enthusiastic and were sure that I would be too if I gave it a chance. Oh, and to complete the experience, they advised me to take a pill. For the first time.

I wasn't sure about that pill, I said, but I would go anyway. After two hours, I started talking to Dennis and I was immediately impressed. He was handsome and I was honestly a bit stunned that he was interested in me. Dennis started talking about the parties he had been to and was still going to (none of which were really my taste) and suddenly asked if I wanted a quarter from him. A quarter of a pill. I had chatted with him so well that he assumed I also used drugs. And very stupidly: I accepted it right away.

At that time, I didn't think it was very stupid at all. On the contrary, I had the time of my life that evening. The rest of the night, I danced and kissed Dennis and was so happy. We exchanged numbers and started dating. We clicked incredibly well, my friends liked him a lot, and his friends approved of me too. It couldn't be better, except that Dennis assumed that I, besides being his fling, would also become his new party buddy.

I actually felt honored about that. Because Dennis is popular: he gets a lot of attention from girls, is incredibly charming, and loves to be the center of attention. His surroundings know that when Dennis is around, it will be fun. I don't necessarily like to be in that spotlight, but I felt good next to him. More confident. I didn't have any trouble with the attention from other girls; I never even had the idea that he would cheat.

I kept quiet about the fact that my first drug experience was with him. At the next party, about a month later, he shoved a bag into my hand without asking. With powder, MDMA, he said. Before I knew it, he dipped his finger in the powder and into my mouth. The nastiest thing I had ever tasted, and I was shocked, which Dennis didn't understand at all – didn't I already have experience with MDMA? I just said I was shocked, and that was that.

Now we are almost two years later. I hoped that this ‘party phase’ of Dennis would be just that: a phase. But it still happens every month, and I have gone along very often, but I just don't want to anymore. More and more often, he wants to go to some after-party after the event to use even more drugs. I thought it was great the first time and I certainly enjoyed it afterward, but I really don't want to anymore. I have taken more pills than I ever wanted, and I don't like myself this way.

Dennis clearly does like me that way. When we are both hungover on Sunday, he makes breakfast for me in bed, goes to the supermarket, and suddenly comes home with flowers. But almost always, he adds that I ‘deserve it after such a party.’ I wonder if he still does these kinds of thoughtful things when I skip those parties. Do I maybe not deserve it then?

I try to suggest more often to stay home or just go to the pub, but that never really works. Dennis finds me boring or says we can do that on a weekday evening too. And the worst part is that I keep letting myself be persuaded. Dennis has been using coke regularly for half a year now, something I always said I would never do. I hate that stuff. But the stupid thing is... I don't know if I'm strong enough to refuse it when he offers it to me. I am starting to realize that Dennis has fallen for a very different girl than who I really am, and I keep wondering if I can still change that.’

In this unusual time, we asked people to share their honest story. To avoid hurting others, the names of Roos and Dennis have been changed.