Real life: Manon misses her lover Jaap

The corona era also brings to light invisible issues. Today, Manon (35) talks about missing her lover Jaap. 

‘I never thought I would take a lover. Yes, a kiss once, maybe a slip-up, a faux pas during a weekend in Ibiza with friends, maybe that. But a ‘man on the side’, no. We were, no, I’m saying it wrong, we are happy. I’ve known Rutger since I was fifteen, and when we started dating in the sixth year of VWO, I felt like the happiest girl in school. He went to study in Rotterdam, I in Utrecht, but we stayed together. I believe we were apart for three months during which he had quite a bit of fun, shall I say, but for me it was clear: he was the one. Absolutely. 

We got married in a castle in Limburg and quite quickly had children. Boy, girl, and when I wasn’t paying attention, we even had a fishbowl and a pond. Because we couldn’t get a mortgage for such a cute canal house, we chose that safe new housing estate. A lot of house for our money and oh, you were just fifteen minutes from the Oude Gracht.

Anyway, long story short: the routine crept in. We only had sex at set times and in set positions. Rutger did ask if I enjoyed it, but we both knew this was a formality. Do you know that documentary ‘My Sex is Broken’ by Lize Korpershoek? Well, my sex wasn’t necessarily broken, but to say I enjoyed it a lot… Meh. 

Didn’t matter, how many minutes do you actually have sex per week? Ten? Fifteen? Just grit your teeth, say he’s so hard and good, and you can get back to the daily routine. I didn’t see it as an insurmountable problem and Rutger was happy. 

But then suddenly there was Jaap, a father from school. I always found him funny with his messy curls, always wearing way too summery clothes for the time of year and that little hop with which he just managed to get his daughter into school on time. As if that little hop in his step would give him those two seconds of advantage. 

So Jaap. I always greeted him with a ‘hi’ that sounded a bit longer than with others. And I could imagine it, but when we passed each other on the school stairs (me going down, him going up because he was always just a bit late or just on time), it seemed like he was sniffing my perfume. 

I knew Jaap was divorced. And it seemed like all the mothers at school wanted to take care of him. One brought lasagna (‘you just have to heat it up’), another drove his daughter to tennis lessons every week (‘no problem, I’m going anyway’). When we were assigned together during the Indian school trip, it was on. I actually knew it when I saw our names next to each other. We, spending the whole day together at a post hidden somewhere in the woods...

It touched me how he presented himself in the role play. Rutger had never been on a school trip or any outing with the kids. We talked about life, found out we both studied in Utrecht and even lived around the corner from each other. At the end of the day, when we were walking back to the main area, I slipped my arm through his. Meant to be friendly, but we melted together. Cautious texts followed and before I knew it, I was kissing in the bike shed. 

My sex turned out not to be broken or asleep at all. Sorry for the details, but sometimes I just had to stand under the shower with myself to unload, shall I say. I had never experienced this before.

Because Jaap was divorced, I could visit him. I pretended to have an appointment with a friend and came to Jaap with a full shopping bag. Sometimes it felt like we really had a relationship. Sex, food, a little Netflix, and another orgasm, that’s what our evenings looked like. And it may sound strange, but even my relationship with Rutger seemed to get a boost from it. I was happier, kinder, also out of guilt, and our sex life became more colorful.

But now, suddenly there is corona. Now I can’t come up with an appointment with a friend because that is forbidden. Moreover, I can’t text because Rutger is home all day too. I can at most go for a walk hoping to run into Jaap. Then maybe we can laugh at each other from a distance of one and a half meters. I miss him, I’m sad, and I can’t share that with anyone because officially he doesn’t exist in my life. 

I’m also afraid that now that he doesn’t see me, he will start thinking about what I bring him. I’m taking his best years. He deserves a wife of his own, not someone who just comes by once a week. Rutger, the sweetheart, notices that something is up and does everything to cheer me up. He blames corona, but only I know it’s Jaap.‘

In this unusual time, we asked people for their honest story. To avoid hurting others, the names of Rutger, Jaap, and Manon have been changed.