Making a decent argument according to Oprah's rules
If I have a lot to learn in one area, it's arguing. I can see a raised eyebrow or a trembling nostril from a kilometer away on the other party, and then I come in with my nuance. Of course, Oprah is a master at just about everything, so it's not surprising that she also knows about the perfect argument. According to her, a conflict boils down to three questions that you should NOT answer with ‘no’.
The funny thing is that I selectively avoid conflicts. If you are very close to me or further away, I have no problem with some discussion. In between is a large gray area of not wanting to argue or at least wanting to resolve it quickly. The beauty of Oprah's tactic, let's call it that, is that you immediately take the ugliness out of the argument.
1) Do you hear me?
One of the most important aspects of a good argument is that the other person feels heard. Is someone upset because you are not keeping your promise? Listen and show that you really hear him/her/them. The beauty according to Oprah and experts is that the tone of an argument immediately becomes softer.
2) Do you see me?
The person you are arguing with feels seen through the listening. A conflict often arises because someone does not feel seen. As soon as someone gets that feeling, the nervous system relaxes immediately. It's not that you can hook the arguer up to some reading equipment, but psychologists also say that it is visible.
3) Did what I said mean something to you?
Ultimately, it all comes down to affirmation. Which does not mean that you have to concede immediately, because we are talking about the arguing itself and not about who is right. If you indicate that what the other person says affects you, that is already a big step. Of course, it doesn't mean that you will suddenly take out the trash next week, but you understand that it's annoying that you always push that bag a little instead of throwing it in the container. That is often already a start.
What would Oprah say if she had an argument with one of her soul sisters? ‘I see you, I hear you, and what you say is important to me.’ And let listening be the beginning of every good conversation.
Source: Wel.nl
