Lil tells… Part 5
The time has come: the follow-up at the hospital is finally on the schedule today. Strangely enough, I am looking forward to it. To get my period, to have a ‘clean’ belly again, and to leave these saddest weeks behind us. Once in the waiting room of the hospital, I count one baby bump after another around me. It affects me a lot, more than I expected. It is once again a moment when I realize that I am not really doing well, although I do feel better. Where I see a number of women in the waiting room without a big belly, I decide on the spot to imagine a similar situation for them. Which of course makes no sense because A: I wouldn't wish it on anyone and B: there are a million other reasons why you might need to report to this department as a woman. But anyway, I did it and somehow it kept me going at that moment. The feeling of not having to go through this alone and feeling a little less lonely was everything I craved on that lonely bench.
After a long wait, I am finally called: ‘Mrs. Brijl.’ I stand up and have the feeling that everyone suddenly knows why I am here. I experience a strange feeling of shame and with once inside immediately sight of that terrible chair I am more nervous than ever before. I lie down and get an internal ultrasound. The ultrasound screen hits harder than hard. I recognize the screen, the colors, shadows, and the crackling sound of the movement, but this time it is no longer a little one we are looking for, but a lifeless emptiness in my belly. The gynecologist wants to explain a few things to me on the screen, but I tell her that I prefer not to look. I decide to close my eyes to give my tears no chance and to be strong until my gynecologist is done with the examination. ‘It looks good, girl. You are 99 percent clear, I see some remnants, but they will dissolve when you get your period again. The medication has done its job well, so I am very satisfied,’ says the gynecologist. We walk outside. My boyfriend is relieved, I can tell by everything. But me? Not me. I had expected to feel something good about the ‘best news’ I could hear at this appointment, but I can only cry, cry, and cry some more. In the car on the way home and at home with my dear Nola on my lap. It suddenly hurts so much again. I decide to convince myself that these must be the last hormones and agree to allow myself to cry a little longer and to be stronger again starting tomorrow.
Next week I will tell you why my follow-up turned out to be anything but good and take you further along in my hell of a ride. I did not get my period and my body decided to remain pregnant with exactly nothing...
In the summer of 2019, I received the sad news of a missed abortion. After three months, it was seen on the second ultrasound that the heartbeat unfortunately no longer beat. In the coming weeks, I will take you with me every Tuesday morning on Amayzine to give this event in my life a better place and to make this subject less taboo, but especially to give others in a similar situation the feeling that they are not alone. Because together we are so much stronger. And alone, you are not. I promise you that.
