Separation anxiety: what is it and how do you get rid of it?

Now I babble with all love about Temptation Island, sex, and other nonsense, but today it's time for a more serious topic on the agenda: abandonment anxiety. What is this fucker? And what does it do to your self-esteem and the relationships around you?

We click on the articles that appeal to us, so hey, I assume you have doubts about whether you have abandonment anxiety or you already know that you are struggling with it. Are you deep down afraid of being rejected, abandoned, or left behind? Do you adapt quickly for your partner? Do you find it difficult to set boundaries?

Buckle up. Time to dive in...

What is abandonment anxiety? 

Well, the word actually says it all, right? People with abandonment anxiety are afraid of being abandoned. Formally, it concerns ‘important attachment figures’. Think of your partner, children, family, household members, or friends.

What causes abandonment anxiety? 

Almost always due to an insecure attachment. For children, it is normal to have abandonment anxiety. Crying when there are no adults around (because eek, scary, then you feel no protection and maybe there is danger). Over time, a child learns that parents come back after they have been away for a while. However, some children do not learn this because the parents behave unpredictably or are simply insufficiently present. Enter: a large breeding ground for damage, muck, and misery.

How many people in the Netherlands suffer from this? 

About one percent of Dutch adults. Many people wrongly shout that they suffer from abandonment anxiety. Fear of losing your partner (ever) is also a healthy sign that you love someone. With abandonment anxiety, it is about an almost obsessive fear of abandonment. You are constantly alert to deception and worry, even when there are zero signals for it. Abandonment anxiety should not be taken lightly. It is an official anxiety disorder that you struggle with daily.

In adult relationships, abandonment anxiety regularly causes problems... 

...because people with abandonment anxiety demand extreme attention from their partner. They need to be constantly reassured that their partner is not going to say goodbye. But precisely because of this, you can unconsciously push your partner away, leading to what you absolutely do not want: your partner leaving you. It's a vicious circle.

Now that we're here: how about a little family tea party? It's high time to introduce you to the sister of abandonment anxiety... 

‘Hi! I'm commitment anxiety. Yes, the sister of. If you come for my brother, then you also come for me.’ Yep, the chance that you experience symptoms of both commitment anxiety and abandonment anxiety is high. With commitment anxiety, you avoid being hurt by avoiding commitment and keeping your distance, while with abandonment anxiety, you avoid being hurt by forcing an unrealistically strong bond. In both cases, it is not a true expression of love and trust, but rather acting out of damage and fear.

Well, and then the most important thing: what can you do about it? 

Because abandonment anxiety is such a deeply rooted fear, consisting of entrenched patterns, the chance is not very high that you will simply ‘grow out of it’ in your adult life. If you really experience distress, in your own head, or within your relationship(s), then taking responsibility is the only right solution: hey, there are countless people specially trained to coach and help you with this anxiety. What’s stopping you? You're young and you want something. Go for it!