Silent treatment: a no-go according to relationship experts
Do you ever give your loved one the infamous silent treatment? I must honestly admit that I sometimes use it myself. For those who don't know what a silent treatment is: it means that you completely ignore your partner during an argument. This can happen both in real life and online. You ‘give’ your partner the silent treatment, a treatment that he/she is often not very happy with. By the way, I also receive it sometimes, you know. Indeed, not very pleasant.
No matter how happy you are together, an argument is inevitable every now and then. Especially during a lockdown: your cozy living room has been transformed into an office and being on each other's lips all the time doesn't always work out well. Well, the silent treatment might come into play then. I use it too, but not so much to hurt my loved one, no, I often just want to cool off myself and this seems like a handy solution. Because if you have nothing nice to say, you might as well say nothing, right? But relationship expert Elisabeth Shaw thinks very differently about that. Oops.
According to Elisabeth, one of the biggest problems with the silent treatment is that it can feel to the other person as if they have no control. This feels like a kind of punishment. Nothing wrong with that from time to time, I would say, but let's continue with Elisabeth's theory: ‘They are excluded and have to wait until the other is ready to talk. Sometimes it works to get someone talking, but often it doesn't. It can feel like the listener is at the mercy of the silent person.’ What makes the silent treatment even more serious, according to her, is that it is often used intentionally (yes, finally). The one who ignores the other has the strings in hand and can even enjoy it. Elisabeth calls this ‘abusive relationships’. Well, I find that quite intense.
But okay, let's delve a little deeper into this. Ignoring your partner is the worst thing you can do, as it can have significant psychological and emotional consequences for the other. Elisabeth: ‘It can be extraordinarily painful because it involves the loss of the relationship as you know it. It involves the loss of connection, love, and affection. It can cause suffering and often leads to more arguments.’ But the silent treatment can also have severe consequences for the one who remains silent. According to Elisabeth, it may be the case that that person does not intentionally ignore their partner: ‘They may experience a kind of emotional flood internally, knowing that they are withdrawing and cannot get themselves back. They shut down while recovering from the argument and retreat to lick their wounds.’ It can also arise from a kind of powerlessness when someone does not know how to deal with their emotions. Besides the significant psychological and emotional consequences that the silent treatment brings, it can also create a large power imbalance in the relationship. Elisabeth warns that the silent treatment can ultimately lead to resentment.
Fortunately, there is reassuring news for those (including myself) who often use the silent treatment to cool off: ‘Often, the silent treatment is a short-term way to cool off after an argument. In that case, it won't cause much damage to your relationship,’ says Elisabeth. But do you ignore your partner with a certain regularity to intentionally hurt him/her? Then, according to Elisabeth, there is absolutely a case of an ‘abusive’ relationship.
Source: Marie Claire
