Why we have such a need to tell stories when someone has passed away
The phone rings. It's my friend S. And he never calls. If something needs to be arranged, M, his wife, calls. Conclusion: something is wrong. I can tell immediately by his voice. G has passed away, an old colleague of ours with whom we worked intensively for a year. Our age, leaving behind a wife and two young children. We sigh, we say it's unbelievable and so unexpected, and – humor is your best friend in times of sorrow – we say we really need to meet up soon before we are all dead.
I message my beloved who also knew G, and when I meet two new neighbors on King's Day and it turns out we have many mutual acquaintances, his name comes up again. Talking about someone who has passed away, we need it. Because it is compassionate and far from sensationalist, even though it may seem like you are lightly shielding someone's suffering. Hence the explanation.
1. Processing
You can hardly believe it. Talking about it helps; when you say it out loud, it becomes true. Especially when the other person knows and confirms it too.
2. Togetherness
The passing of another increases a fearful feeling in you. It could have happened to you too. That's why you seek comfort in the group.
3. Recalling memories
When my old friend M chose her own death (I hadn't seen her in ten years), I wanted to seek out everyone and everything that had known her. If someone posted a heart under a Facebook message, I would message that person to ask if they had known her too. And I had to find and write to her sister (whom I had only met a few times, years and years ago) immediately. You want to share memories, to keep the person alive in your mind.
4. Telling so that others know
Maybe it sometimes feels a bit gossipy (this is actually the reason behind gossiping) to ask the other if they know that so-and-so has passed away. But do you experience it the same way when someone tells you something like that? You probably find it nice and feel a bit special that the other chooses you to share this news with and to vent their heart.
It's allowed, it's understandable and well-intentioned. So share so that we do not forget.
And just in case... five things you need to know if your partner is grieving.
Strength anyway.
