Women say: “my love is not the one, but still I stay”

I have often recommended the website/app Reddit, and you can see it coming: I'm going to recommend it again. I can seriously entertain myself for hours on the subreddit Unresolved Mysteries (really a must-read for true crime lovers), but if I want something lighter, I go for AskReddit. Well, often it is light — you can of course choose which topics you open. The idea behind AskReddit is simple: a user asks a question (without context or explanation) and you can respond. This leads to very fun and funny topics, but also more serious and relatable things come up.

Last week I came across one that I found very interesting. Because I see it happening a lot around me, and I often wonder exactly this. Why does someone stay with their partner when you know they are not the one? Personally, I would never settle for a six, but always want to go for that nine (or of course the ten). The question was: “Women who settled for someone that you knew wasn’t the one but was otherwise a good person, how is it going?”

With 719 comments (which is relatively few for an AskReddit topic, by the way) there were a lot of interesting things among them. I have listed the most striking, beautiful, or weird ones for you.

“Best okay, it has been six years with ups and downs. He worked long hours and I love being alone. It’s harder when his kids are around since I don’t have a desire for children, but I am better at organizing than he is, so I take on less of a babysitting role anyway. I hope the world opens up a bit soon, because one of the things we enjoy doing the most is a romantic getaway. I love him, but I am not in love with him. But for me, that is enough, since he is one of the three men I have ever been interested in. I have (and never had) a crush on anyone. I think I might be a bit asexual. Oh, and it’s even better now that we have a rental house instead of an apartment and I have gotten cats.”

“Married for 28 years now. We have had ups and downs, but to be honest, he was always the one, I just didn’t know it at the time. Sometimes ‘the one’ is an ideal based on childish priorities, but through maturity, you realize that some of those qualities are not that important anymore. My husband is my best friend, but whether you marry ‘the one’ or someone else, a good relationship is hard work and give and take. We have been through a lot together, and that has brought us closer. We are a team.”

“It became very unpleasant. Staying in such a relationship felt to me like I was giving up a piece of myself. It is indeed mature to make compromises, but you have to do it for the right reasons and for the right person for you. If your truth is to feel safe, if that is always the most important thing, then go for it. Personally, it felt like an emptiness, something that was missing… I felt extremely lonely and we broke up.”

“We are divorced. Now I am dating someone I am sure of, I really didn’t know I could ever be this happy as I am now.”

“Now five years married and 16 years together. It’s not always easy. We are currently in a rough spot and it’s easy to think after every problem: ‘I knew I should never have stayed with him. Sometimes I wonder if I am afraid. But there are many moments when the idea of the history you have with someone, and having a buddy, is very reassuring. The example of marriage I grew up with is to be friendly housemates. There was no romance and love. Because my mother constantly judged me, I believed that I was not suitable for someone to love in that way. My husband adores me and is a good person, but he does not fulfill me intellectually, is emotionally immature, and we are on totally different planets sexually and in desire. It’s a struggle, but it’s not a nightmare.”

“In a few months, we will be together for six years. He is the nicest person I know and he has always treated me with respect. He is the definition of a good man. And — I can’t explain how I know this — but from the bottom of my heart, I know he will never, ever, hurt me. And safety is what I need. I have never felt fireworks with him, but the guy I did feel that for (whom I thought was ‘the one’) is emotionally immature, and I am sure he would never respect me as much. He was also the type of man who described all his exes as ‘crazy’, so that made me think too…”

“It has gotten better by working on it. He is a good man, and I love him but I have never fallen in love with him. When we met, I didn’t want that and didn’t need it. I needed safety and stability. Now that we are settled in a life together, I have come to appreciate the qualities he has, and when I feel the urge to go for something more exciting, I find that in other ways. I am still a very independent person, so if I want to work on my hobbies, or try something new, I do that (within reason). Covid and this period of having small children has become quite a bit more challenging, but I do my best. Nowadays we are working on improving our communication, and now that both kids sleep well, we have also found each other again in the bedroom, which is really a game changer. Our next step is to have a few regular date nights again. I think it works between us because we complement each other well, and we both want this marriage to succeed. So far it works — we are celebrating our five-year anniversary next month and we have two children and two cats.” 

“I don’t believe in ‘the one’ so I married a man who is a great person. I spend my time working on our partnership with a very pragmatic view.”

“Divorced after 25 years. We weren’t terrible together but I just couldn’t stand living such a beige and half life. Honestly, it felt like I was just waiting to die. I left and loved living on my own. Almost on the very day I left, I felt myself coming back to life. It took a while. If you can imagine how it is: like the feeling in your arm coming back after you’ve laid on it too long and it has gone numb. It can be painful, and strange, but relieving. It’s exactly that, but then in your whole body. Eventually, I met ‘the one’ and it’s like seeing color television for the first time after a lifetime of watching black and white. Maybe I appreciate this more now because I have experienced both sides.”

“It’s sad and boring, but safe. I sometimes miss ‘the one’, but with him, we are just friends and it could never be more than that. It’s this or total loneliness so at least I have company, sex, and someone who actually loves me. Of course, I would give my right arm to find my true love, but that hasn’t been the case.”