Why it is a good idea to go into relationship therapy preventively

I feel that there is still a taboo surrounding couples therapy. While individual therapy is increasingly encouraged, a session with your partner often seems to be labeled negatively. People view couples therapy as the beginning of the end and mainly associate it with couples who have been married for more than fifty years.

I absolutely disagree with this, as I am a strong advocate for therapy. I believe that every couple should go into couples therapy preventively. Why do we go to the gym to stay fit, visit the dentist to keep our teeth sparkling, but do not go to the psychologist to maintain our relationship?

According to Esther Kluwer, professor of sustainable relationships at Radboud University, couples seeking help in the form of couples therapy have let their problems simmer for an average of about five years. It is precisely for this reason that I think a preventive session now and then can be really effective. Kluwer: ‘There is still a taboo on couples therapy. The idea that you as a couple should just be able to work it out yourself. Preventing problems, in the form of a ‘relationship check-up’, is therefore not the norm at all.’

Additionally, couples therapy in the form of maintenance sounds to many like waking sleeping dogs. Because why would you go into couples therapy if everything is going fine? According to Nynke Nijman (psychologist, sexologist, and couples therapist), that is the first misconception surrounding couples therapy. ‘The therapist is not going to look for problems that do not exist, but just as you do not see the low oil level of a car from the outside, you also do not see any rough patches in a marriage or partnership. Occasionally having a maintenance session can therefore do no harm.’

Nijman wants to emphasize that an important part of couples therapy is precisely that you express to each other what you like about one another and the relationship. This helps remind each other why you fell in love, which can give a huge boost to your relationship. ‘Even in fundamentally healthy relationships, regularly expressing what you find attractive and beautiful about each other is a good idea.’

Through such a ‘check-up session’, you also learn to keep looking at and listening to each other. If you have been together for a long time, you may sometimes feel like you have ‘lost’ each other a bit. You live alongside each other, perhaps withdraw a bit, and feel the love fading. Such a maintenance session actually forces you to make time for each other. What are the needs of the other? Do you still speak the same language? How is it on a sexual level? In this way, any assumptions and misunderstandings can be cleared away.

Finally, I can imagine that it is simply very valuable and interesting to go into couples therapy. In my opinion, you learn the most about yourself through the eyes of another. How do you treat your loved one? What does that say about you as a person? Do you often feel rejected, and why? It seems to me to be a real enrichment to deepen your relationship in this way. This way, you continue to learn and grow with your loved one, hopefully allowing you to stay together long and happily. Isn't that definitely worth trying? Therefore, I say: come on, everyone into couples therapy.

source: FD