Why we panic from the ‘we need to talk’ message
To the great irritation of my friends, I am very bad at responding to messages. So I belong to one of those restless people with tons of open WhatsApp conversations. Call it lazy, call it weird, but I really panic from all those notifications and calls. And what I find even worse is receiving a message asking if I have time to talk, or worse, the statement: ‘We need to talk.’ That remark immediately gives me blind panic. I then immediately have the idea that I have done something wrong and am being called to account for it. Or that someone in my family has died. While someone can of course just tell me that they are pregnant or getting married. But why do I find this such an incredibly scary message and why does my heart start racing immediately, in a negative sense? Do I have a guilty conscience or not?
According to cyberpsychology expert Linda Kaye, fortunately, it is not just me, and such messages can indeed have a lot of impact on people's mood. Moreover: according to her, you are better off not sending such messages because they never really elicit a positive response. I completely agree with this. But where does this often somewhat exaggerated shocked reaction actually come from? It has everything to do with the lack of context in such a message. As a result, we feel insecure, and that causes the anxiety we feel. Kaye: ‘Digital communication happens with high stakes. The most important messages about your life probably come via your phone, and therefore unclear and possibly ambiguous messages are almost comparable to a form of psychological warfare.’
After receiving such messages, we automatically expect something negative or at least something very important. And that is exactly how I experience it; I am already digging my own grave after such a notification. According to Kaye, power dynamics also play a role: ‘When you receive such a message, you have a passive role and you actually have to engage in such a conversation, whether you want to or not.’ I find that incredibly suffocating because you can hardly say ‘no’ to such a question.
Kaye has some handy and easy tips to remedy this shock effect. So for all the people who regularly send out such unpleasant messages: pay attention. First of all, it would be much better to immediately state what you want to talk about. ‘Can we talk about ...?’ Well, that's not so hard, is it? It would be very nice if the people who message me could take this tip to heart. Additionally, emojis can help make a message feel less heavy. A heart or a cheerful smiley already gives me less panic than just a business question. Finally, as the recipient of such an unpleasant message, you can of course also ask back what it is about. You have every right to do so, although I often find that really scary to do. Imagine someone then responds with: ‘I really prefer to tell you in person.’ Well, then you immediately know that you can ban this person from your life because that is ultimately mental torture.
