Everything I'm going to do in WhatsApp after that amazing update

Just call me the Jekyll and Hyde of WhatsApp. One moment I'm in top form and I spam you all day long with funny links, witty GIFs, and an enter after every single typed word (I share the annoyance), the next day I act as if I've never heard of WhatsApp or any form of online social interaction. There's little in between. My inner Jekyll and inner Hyde are therefore also pleased with the announced update of WhatsApp.

Wait a minute, an update? Yes, and not just any update. Let me catch you up, in case you've been lying under a rock on some random beach. I wouldn't blame you, by the way. Mark Zuckerberg is announcing new options that make our social media hearts skip a beat. To, as he puts it, give WhatsApp even more of the feeling of a real conversation. What’s about to happen?

1. Soon it will be possible to leave a group chat unseen (!). Only the group admin will receive a notification about this.

2. In the not-too-distant future, it will be an option to hide your online status. No one will see that you are browsing around but not saying anything.

3. You can currently only delete a message for everyone up to one hour later, this will be extended to two days.

I don't know how Mark's live conversations are, but I've never stepped out of a conversation unseen or been able to take back my words up to two days later. But hey, you won't hear more from me. I'm just grateful and #blessed and I'm about to leave at least 302 group chats unseen and ghost even more than I already did.

Do you know the terrible creature that has the blue ticks turned off, just like the ‘last seen’ option and every conceivable notification? That's me, and soon I'll be even worse, because then absolutely no one will be able to see if I'm ever online or using WhatsApp. Just between you and me: of course I do that all day long, but now I have an excuse to delay my responses even longer.

As soon as this update is live, I will also immediately exit every unnecessary group chat, without hurting anyone's feelings. Yes, at most the admin's, but they are just happy that there’s one less person to manage in online life. Oh, and what do you think of those drunk messages that you can still delete up to two days later? What a blessing. By that time, everyone will have read that long ago, but you won't see that. Because: the online status is off. I can't wait.