These five apology languages could very well save your relationship

I wrote earlier about the five love languages, or the five ways to show someone you love them. Everyone has their own way of doing this, and your relationship has a much better chance of success if you understand each other's love language and respond accordingly. It's incredibly useful information, of course, but it doesn't help much if you happen to be in a conflict with your partner for whatever reason. A disagreement here, an irrational discussion there; it happens in the best families.

What's important is how you resolve those disputes, because if the way your partner apologizes doesn't align with your way of saying sorry, it can lead to even more problems. Psychologist Jennifer Thomas has come up with something for that: the five apology languages. Everyone has one or more ‘apology languages’ that suit them best, and if you know which of the five fits your partner best, any future discussions can be resolved in no time. Curious about which apology language suits you? I'll explain them to you.

Expressing regret
Expressing regret is as simple as just saying ‘sorry.’ Although this may not be the most revolutionary way to solve your problems, many people still let pride or guilt get in the way. However, with this apology language, it's important that you genuinely regret what you've said or done. It doesn't count if you only regret it because you got caught.

Taking responsibility
With this apology language, someone sincerely admits that they were wrong by doing what they did. In addition to acknowledging your mistake in the situation, that person also specifies what went wrong, so it's not just a hollow excuse. A person with this apology language can explain well what they did wrong and why it was wrong.

Making restitution
This is a common apology language when something is lost, broken, or damaged, where the ‘guilty party’ offers to replace the item or pay for the inconvenience. It can also occur in more serious situations when a person feels deeply betrayed, and the guilty party tries to make amends with gifts or another form of compensation.

Showing genuine remorse
With this apology language, a change in behavior is required, and simply saying sorry is not enough. Psychologist Jennifer Thomas says the following about this: ‘Actively solve your problems and don't make excuses. Create a better specific plan for change. There must be a genuine willingness to do better.’

Asking for forgiveness
Asking for forgiveness gives the hurt party time to process their pain before it is automatically assumed that everything is okay again. Saying, ‘I'm so sorry that I hurt you, could you forgive me?’ puts the power back in the hands of the hurt party. Although most people will never completely refuse an apology, this still leaves room for them to make exceptions if they actually expect remorse or restitution. A very effective way of apologizing, indeed.

Just like with love languages, it is very normal to have multiple apology languages. It is helpful to know which apology language you have and which your partner has to prevent escalation during a discussion or other unpleasant situation. By apologizing in the way that resonates best with your partner (and thus is their apology language), you can overcome that unpleasant situation as quickly and painlessly as possible. And if all else fails: a flower is always a good idea.

Photograph by Karolina Wojtasik/HBO Max