Limerence: when falling in love becomes an obsession
We have all been in love at one time or another. We know the butterflies in our stomachs, the excitement of getting to know a new and interesting person and the sheepish laughter at our phone when he or she sends an app. All very touching and innocent of course, but what if your crush goes beyond that? That you can't think of anything else, are always ‘accidentally’ in the same place (Hailey Bieber, are you paying attention?) or tell yourself that someone is much nicer than he or she really is? Then chances are your crush has turned into an obsession, and it has a name: limerence.
Limerence is a term coined years ago by psychologist Dorothy Tennov. It refers to the exciting feelings you get when you meet someone for the first time that go a good deal further than a normal crush. Thus, feelings of extreme infatuation, deep obsession and extraordinary desire can be released. This can feel euphoric, but can eventually turn into feelings of despair.
Now of course, extreme infatuation does not sound like the end of the world, but it is important to recognise the difference between infatuation and limerence. Whereas in a crush you take the time to get to know someone calmly in order to determine whether they are a good fit for you, in the case of limerence you talk yourself into a non-existent romantic story about your crush, you desperately believe that this time you have really met the love of your life (even though you hardly know the person yet) and you ignore all the red flags this person shows. The big difference is that real infatuation has peace and stability and limerence feels like an unstable, intense rollercoaster of emotions.
Not sure where you fall on the spectrum of love and limerence? These are the signs of limerence you should watch out for:
1. You don't know what your crush is really like
People who experience limerence often hold up an illusion to themselves of how their crush behaves. They subconsciously choose to pick out only the positives from his or her behaviour and ignore all the red flags that the object of their affection shows. Entering into an authentic relationship in this way is impossible because you are unaware of someone's shortcomings.
2. Thoughts about your crush take up your whole day
Of course you think about someone a lot when you have fallen in love, and you should continue to do so. It only becomes dangerous when your whole day is taken up with thoughts of your crush, when you fantasise about every little interaction between the two of you and in your head you are already planning an entire future without being in a relationship at all.
3. Real life is no longer a priority
Being in love is great fun, of course, but when it starts getting in the way of the rest of your life, it becomes a problem. This can manifest itself in the fact that you see your friends less and less, that you can't control your work or that you can't concentrate on anything anymore because you are only concerned with your crush. Limerence gobbles up all aspects of your life to make room for one thing: your obsession with your relationship.
4 Your emotions depend on his or her communication
People who experience limerence are in constant need of affirmation when they are not with their partner. When they don't get this they experience feelings of anxiety or anger. When they do get this, they experience feelings of extreme euphoria or excitement. So besides the fact that these are very unhealthy mood swings based on other people's communication, people with limerence are also unable to regulate their own emotions.
Not very healthy, then, such a deep obsession with someone else. Do you recognise yourself in the above points? Then try to take a step back the moment you meet someone and try to sort out your emotions first. Take time to ground yourself and quietly discover what the other person is like so that you can determine whether they can complement you rather than complete you. And remember: real love is calm, relaxed and sometimes even a little stupid. Even if it's scary to take a real leap of faith, in the end it's smartest to go for someone you choose despite their flaws, rather than the idea of someone.
Source: Mind body green | Image: Netflix
