Manipulation in a relationship: weaponizing incompetence
Weaponizing incompetence is a manipulative way to avoid taking responsibility for something. People use their incompetence or the fact that they can't do something as an excuse to get out of it. This happens at work, in study groups, but also in relationships. Don't confuse this phenomenon with gaslighting; also manipulative, but different. We will give you some examples so you can recognize this manipulative behavior.
The goal of weaponizing incompetence
By pretending you can't do something or consciously acting dumb, you can burden others with the unpleasant chores at home. Think of a partner who tries to cook once and then accidentally, or perhaps intentionally, burns everything. Then the argument is used that they can't cook, and the other partner is struggling in the kitchen every evening. The goal is often to evade responsibility, irritate the other, and maintain a certain kind of power. Suppose you are a real kitchen princess and your partner can't even fry an egg, then it can be a convenient outcome that you cook more often or almost always. In principle, there is nothing wrong with this, as long as your partner takes on other tasks in that case.
Household tasks
Common examples are household tasks. Your partner might shrink the laundry once and then claim that it’s better for both of you if you do the laundry from now on. In the moment, it might not even seem like such a bad idea, but if you notice that your partner does this with (almost) all household tasks, it’s time to raise the alarm. Doing the laundry, vacuuming, and cooking are really not the most difficult tasks out there, so even if you have little experience with it, you can definitely learn.
Monogamy
Of course, there are many people who choose to have a non-monogamous relationship with their partner, and if both are happy with this, it’s something we can and want to encourage. But if you make an agreement to be monogamous, it’s wrong if the other breaks that agreement. In these situations, some people also use ‘not being able to’ as an excuse. You shouldn't settle for weak excuses like ‘men are hunters’ or ‘boys will be boys’. Monogamy is a choice, and if you and your partner really want to pursue it, it’s not a matter of ‘can’ but a matter of ‘want’.
Don't let yourself be driven crazy
Partners should show respect and take responsibility for their role in the relationship. No one can do everything, and it’s fine to take on a task if that’s not where the other’s talents lie, but make sure it stays a bit fair. Not being able to do something is in most cases a weak excuse. It’s never too late to learn. It may take some time and discipline, but that’s something you should be willing to invest for a good relationship.
Image: screenshot from the film ‘The Break-Up’
