Hey, it's okay not to be on a pink cloud
I still remember thinking during my pregnancy: once I have the delivery behind me, I have had the worst. In some cases, that will indeed be true, but unfortunately not in my case. My delivery was traumatic with a lot of ‘bad luck’, according to the gynecologist and pediatrician. Bad luck that I still try to see as good luck to this day. The good luck that despite all the panic and medical mishaps, we both came out healthy.
Two and a half years later, I still find it sad to talk about my delivery, which for me actually consists of about 90 percent of a blackout. I never expected to become that version of myself. Normally, I am someone who knows what she wants, always. A real lioness, who has her opinion ready and ‘can't’ doesn't exist and ‘just push through now’ is how I often see situations. And above all: loving ‘my’ people comes above everything, always. But there I was, after having contractions for almost four days, ‘mother had no more strength’, according to the gynecologist (really!). I remember deciding to put a towel over my face and not wanting to be in the moment anymore. A survival button was turned on, and at the same time, the Lil in me turned off.
With too much force, Enzo came into the world at 22:19, after which he was immediately taken away by the pediatrician. Only at night, when far too many people had been before me, did I meet Enzo. The days that followed were, as for every woman who has just given birth, a rollercoaster of emotions. Unfortunately for me, much more than average, something that completely broke me down. Both physically and mentally, I shut down, and there was just a bit too much talk in the corridors about a possible postnatal depression (which, by the way, occurs in one in ten newborn moms in the Netherlands). I won't go into detail now, but it's bizarre what a traumatic event can do to a person.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
You're doing well.
After five days, Enzo (with his concussion) was allowed to go home. I don't remember exactly when I started to regain myself, but I do know that there was no pink cloud hanging over our postpartum period. And that's okay. So for everyone with a baby on the way, mothers who feel different than expected or who might recognize themselves in my story: don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing well. Set your own boundaries. You're stronger than you think. And whether that cloud is pink or dark gray, behind every cloud, no matter how thick or dark, there is a little sun waiting to shine for you again.
Photography: The Clicking Mom
