Quarterlife Diaries: ‘After our breakup, I realized that I could also shape my future alone’

In Quarterlife Diaries I take you weekly through all the things I, as a nearly 30-year-old, encounter. Mainly to vent my heart, but also to give everyone who is in the Quarterlife boat with me a boost. You are definitely not alone. This week: overcoming heartbreak.

Heartbreak is unfortunately no stranger to me. Although, unfortunately… Knowing heartbreak does mean that you have had the chance to know love, and that is of course something very beautiful. In this case, I am not talking about my high school relationship or when I thought it was a great idea at nineteen to call the biggest jerk in the country my boyfriend, no, I am talking about my first great love.

I was 21 when I met him, he was 28. I didn't fall for him right away, but I was impressed by his charm. At that time, I was studying pedagogy and still living with my parents, while he was already busy building a career, had his own car, and a lovely apartment. We slowly got to know each other, and when he first came to my parents' house with a huge bouquet and showed all interest in my family, I knew he was special.

Slowly but surely, I fell head over heels in love with him and he with me. He lived two hours away, which meant we only saw each other on weekends. I was fine with that. I am very attached to my freedom and loved doing my own thing during the week. We had a great time together, went on fun dates, and enjoyed wonderful vacations. We also spent a lot of time at home, but always managed to make it cozy just the two of us. We kept it up like that for about a year until he started to doubt. Totally unexpectedly, he ended our relationship, and that same evening I sat completely confused, sad, and broken for two hours on the train home.

That breakup didn't last long. After a few weeks, he regretted it, and we decided to pick up our relationship again. After all, I had missed him terribly. Slowly we got back into our normal rhythm. We saw each other almost every weekend, went on vacations, and made plans for the future. We talked about living together, when we would want children, and even about what our wedding would look like. Yet it was never quite the same again. I often thought: if you could leave me so easily and unexpectedly the first time, who says you won't do it again? It gave me an uneasy feeling that I have never completely shaken off.

About a year after we decided to move forward together, he came back with the same story. This time I saw it coming from miles away. He kept postponing our plans to live together, which meant I also postponed my personal plans (like scoring a steady job in my hometown or just looking for my own apartment). I had to drag the truth out of him. He turned out not to be happy, wanted to be single, and hoped for a ‘Hollywood relationship’ where you are in love with each other every day and stay that way. Well, that obviously doesn't exist, but he wouldn't accept that from me.

I was devastated; I had never felt so much heartbreak before. My heart literally ached from sadness, something I never thought possible. I was 23 by then and can still see myself sitting on the couch of my parents‘ house. ’What am I supposed to do now?‘ I cried to my mother. ’I have put my whole life on hold for that man. I don't have a steady job because I was going to arrange that once we figured out where we wanted to live. I don't have a driver's license, no car, no own apartment, and no boyfriend.'

I let myself cry about it for a while until I decided that the only one who could solve these things was me. I was so used to having a boyfriend who took care of everything that I almost felt ashamed that it only just occurred to me that I could also tackle my future myself. I started with my job. On a random Tuesday afternoon, I walked into my boss's office with the words: ‘I want to live on my own, so I need a permanent contract.’ It was bold, but it worked. Within two months, I signed my new contract and moved into a cozy little apartment in the city center. I decorated it entirely to my own taste with the money I had saved for future trips I had planned with my ex. I graduated and started taking driving lessons, so I quickly got my driver's license and a nice little car that I still use to travel around.

If you had told me this back then, I would never have believed you, but taking control of my own life has helped me grow and has slowly pieced my broken heart back together. I had never felt so much sadness, but I had also never felt so strong. So strong that I had to turn my ex away several times after our breakup because he kept coming back with his tail between his legs. I didn't want to put myself through that anymore; I had changed. I was strong and confident enough to tackle life on my own. No matter how painful it was, I thank him for his eternal doubts. It has released a strength in me that I didn't know I had. Whatever happens now or in the future: thanks to this breakup, I know I can handle anything, as long as I have myself with me.