Does someone in your area have a lot of sadness?

What do you say to your neighbor who has pancreatic cancer and only has a year to live? To the teacher at school whose husband has passed away? To your old neighbor who had nothing left but his dog, which has now been put to sleep?

Just a ‘How are you?’ is a terrible question. You already know the answer: bad. Moreover, it might seem like you are not aware of the situation. The grief is too great for an answer to such an everyday question. Also, someone probably doesn't feel like lifting the lid off the pot of suffering every time.

The secret in situations like these lies in a single word that you must add to your question. ‘How are you TODAY?’ By bringing it to the present, you let them know that you are aware of the grief. That their heart is not healed in a day but that they are processing it piece by piece, grain by grain. You also give them the opportunity to step over the grief in their answer for a moment. Today might actually be good. They might have ridden their bike and received a lovely card. They can then answer that, without having to immediately name the whole big chapter of suffering.

I once had a colleague who had breast cancer. She found it terrible when people at the copier said in a heavy voice: ‘How are you NOW?’ The word ‘now’ actually directed the conversation towards a let's-have-a-talk-about-your-cancer discussion. My colleague actually just wanted to complain about the printer paper that was out again. And that toner, damn it. She didn't feel like talking about cancer every time. But when you add ‘today’ to your sentence, you show the other person your sympathy, and at the same time, the other person has the chance to choose their own answer. About the suffering, or just a little about the things of the day.

Just try it. You'll see that it works.