All the things my 12-year-old self would have never believed

The daughter of an acquaintance recently shouted at me: ‘Are you 29?! Then you were born in the year 19-something!’ Snot-nose, I thought. What does she know? Still, this wake-up call regarding my age got me thinking. At the respectable age of 12, I also thought I knew everything, but a lot has happened in the past 17 years that I would have never believed back then. Here they come.

1. Britney and Justin are no longer together. I know, this is heartbreaking. In fact: I haven't really heard anything relevant about Justin in years and we are all very concerned about Brit's mental health. Oh, how times have changed.

2. The same goes for Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, the William and Kate of our time. We saw their love bloom before our very eyes in the MTV series Newlyweds, but unfortunately, it was not meant to be.

3. There will come a time when you no longer have to drag your iPod, digital camera, and Motorola Razr around separately. You have probably now grown attached to your iPhone, a kind of computer that fits in your pocket. I know: wild.

4. Video rental stores no longer exist. All the movies and series you could wish for are now available on Netflix or another streaming service, except for the really good 2000s romcoms. So hold on to those DVDs for a while longer.

5. Skinny jeans are out. Yes, really. Do you remember swearing that you would never, ever wear baggy pants? You now have nothing else hanging in your closet and you are completely content with that.

6. Uggs have been out for a while. Then back in. Then undoubtedly out again. So hold on to them for a bit longer.

7. Chunky highlights are also out, by the way. I must say I’m not sure if they were ever really in. So put that pack of peroxide from Etos down very slowly.

8. Painful news: you are not going to marry your crush from middle school. Your only interaction ever was when he crowned an old Facebook photo of you with a like and then you never saw him again.

9. Furthermore, no one really knows what happened to Jesse McCartney, your other great love. ‘Beautiful Soul’ still regularly plays on repeat though.

10. This one might be hard to hear, but Destiny’s Child will never get back together. Sorry, don’t shoot the messenger.

11. J.Lo and Ben Affleck have found each other again after nearly twenty years and are now exclusively spotted arguing. The perfect example that some things are just better left in 2005.

12. The invention of Spotify means you no longer have to destroy your computer with the vague, alien viruses that Limewire brought with it. You also no longer have to beg your sister to burn the latest Jonas Brothers CD for you. What do you mean, win-win?

13. Speaking of the Jonas Brothers: you don’t have to mourn if they break up. They make a huge comeback years later that fulfills all your teenage dreams. However, they are all three married now, so a few tears are certainly appropriate in this case.

14. Listen to your mother when she says you should leave your eyebrows alone. Thin eyebrows are out and stay out. I know how cool they look on Christina Aguilera, but for your own good: please skip this trend.

15. There will come a time when you log off MSN and never sign in again. Yes, really. And it’s less bad than you think. MSN statuses are back in 2023 in the form of Instagram Notes. It’s the circle of life.