Real Life: this was my most embarrassing sexual experience

It happens to everyone at least once in their sex life: an experience that stays with you for a lifetime, and not in a good way. You would prefer to never think back on it, but it is precisely then that these kinds of things linger in your mind forever...

“I had known Jamie for a while, as we had many mutual friends. Because of that, we often ran into each other at parties and birthdays. There was always a kind of tension in the air, but it was never an option that we would end up in bed together. He had been in a relationship for 10 years, and he is not only as loyal as a dog, I would never want to start an affair with someone. Just for the sake of the girl code alone. I once jokingly told friends in a drunken state: ‘If they ever break up, send him my way!’ But that was more of a joke. The chance of it happening was very slim. Until one day it actually was: his relationship ended after 11 years.

I did notice that Jamie immediately started to gravitate towards me. Suddenly he was reacting to my Instagram stories, I was getting likes from him on my posts, and at one point he even started to WhatsApp me privately, outside of the group chats. Of course, I was immediately sensitive to this. Hello: Jamie had always been in the ‘Dream Man’ category in my eyes! It didn’t take long before we arranged to meet at a cozy pub near my place. We were just going to catch up; he had just come out of a really long relationship, I had been in a situationship for quite some time and had been loyal to that person for a long time. But well, the built-up tension and the beers we drank naturally led us to my house, where he kissed me for the first time. It felt like a volcano erupting after years of simmering. This had been worth the wait. Things got incredibly hot, and we agreed that this was definitely worth repeating.

Two days later, Jamie wanted to see me again, and of course, I was more than happy to agree. We decided to go for drinks again, and this time we didn’t wait until we were home to start kissing. On the way home, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and coincidentally, the route to his house went through a park. We both thought it was an exciting idea to do it secretly in the park, so we looked for a secluded spot and luckily found one quickly. We were super quiet, but of course, I was quite scared that we would get caught. Occasionally someone would ride by, but the spot was sheltered behind a few hedges, so the chance of someone seeing us was very small. We were really into each other, which made us not notice that two flashlights were approaching us. Until they shone right in our faces. Shit, the enforcement had caught us and here we were. Naked and fully in the spotlight. I didn’t know how quickly to pull up my pants, covered my face, and we made our escape as fast as we could. The enforcers shouted something after us, but fortunately, I didn’t understand them. Once at Jamie’s place, we could laugh about it, I was especially very happy that we had gotten away in time, and that we hadn’t received a fine for what we were doing. Until I couldn’t find my phone anywhere.

In a panic, I retraced my steps, and soon realized: it must still be in the park. We decided to go back to the spot where it all happened to look for my phone. Unfortunately, we didn’t find it there. However, there was a note on the bench that I could pick up my phone at the police station the next day. I can tell you, this was the worst walk of shame you can imagine. The police officers at the desk must have had a good laugh when I came to pick up my phone, they had all heard how I lost that thing, and now they had a name and face to go with it. I would have given quite a lot to avoid that moment, and the police decided that I had paid enough for my sins, so I didn’t get a fine to take home. Fortunately, Jamie and I are still having a great time together, but whether we will do it outside again soon? I think we’ll hold off on that for now.”