This is how you recognize a ‘frenemy’

One of my favorite movies in my teenage years was ‘Mean Girls’. And I dare say without a doubt that I'm not alone in this. It was delightful, that vicarious embarrassment when Lindsay Lohan as Cady goes to her first Halloween party dressed as a zombie bride, only to find out that the girls mostly used Halloween as an excuse to go half-naked out on the street under the pretense: ‘I'm dressed as a playmate’. Mean Girls’ Regina is the epitome of the frenemy: someone who pretends to be a friend but is secretly jealous, competitive, and manipulative.

A true frenemy loves to give backhanded compliments. ‘What a nice dress you have on’, right before you find out that nice dress is completely see-through and you might as well have gone out naked. But also when you finally get that dream job you've been working towards for so long and not even a simple ‘congratulations’ can be heard. A frenemy prefers to gossip behind your back rather than show you that you're doing well. For a frenemy, it is very difficult to see that things are going well for you, as it is their goal to always win over you. To do just a little better, to feel better about themselves.

Genuine interest and empathy are also absent; everything they want to know from you serves only as a kind of ‘information gathering’ so they know exactly how to stay one step ahead of you. So while you think you're having a good conversation with a good friend, the other person is just busy building a kind of dossier with blackmail and comparison material to come out better themselves.

Do you recognize this in one of your friends? Then the chances are high that it is not a true friend. The only way to get rid of this is to slowly let it fade away. A sincere conversation with a frenemy will only escalate things; they are usually not open to reason. Of course, it is super complicated and can feel like you're breaking up when it comes to a friendship that was very dear to you. But in the long run, you will come out of this, just like breaking off a bad relationship, much better.

Surround yourself with people who support you and want to celebrate your successes with you. You will quickly notice the difference between the frenemy and the people who are genuinely happy for you.