Dutch people wait so long with ”I love you”
There are moments when it almost slips out of your mouth. He brings you breakfast in bed (without you having to ask), he kisses your body from head to toe, or you dance together in the living room... and then suddenly you think: this is it, I love him. But yes, you decide to keep it to yourself for a while.
Because: isn't it strange to say you love someone after the third date? At the same time, you think: if it feels good now, why not? It's completely normal to have this struggle – and i kid you not, more people are dealing with it. So: when can you tell your date, boyfriend, or partner that you love him?
What does “I love you” really mean?
Well, in any case, it's not just something. The weight of these three simple words is enormous. For one person, “I love you” means the same as “I like you”. For another, it's a bit more than that, and you only say it to the other after you've been dating for several months or have a shopping experience survived at IKEA –hell.
Know the difference: being in love vs. loving someone
Loving someone is very much like being madly in love with someone. But know that there are a few things that can help you distinguish one from the other.
Being in love means your heart just races when you see his name on your screen. You constantly think about him and can't stop talking about him. Everything feels exciting and new, and secretly you behave a bit nicer than you are. You do your hair nicely or take just a little longer with your makeup when you're going to see him. Oh yes, and that sexual attraction? Hello, volcanic eruption.
Loving someone can be described a bit more as peace, trust, and really seeing someone as ’home’. You feel safe and comfortable, even in your sweatpants with a runny nose. Even if he's lying drunk on the floor, you think: “Aww, my sweetheart,” and you feel like lying next to him – okay, maybe not exactly that (but you get it). True love isn't always exciting, but it is stable. You want him/her to be okay, and you choose to always be there for the other.
When do you say the magic words?
Okay, now that we know the difference between being in love and loving someone, let's talk about the next thing. Because, when is it time to say it? If you ask me: just say it as soon as it feels right. Is it on the tip of your tongue, but do you still feel a bit uncomfortable? Then wait a bit until you really dare to say it and mean it.
Research shows: 62% of people agree with me and think you should just say it as soon as you feel it. Okay, okay, there are also people who think you're jumping the gun if you say “I love you” after month 1. And okay, maybe declaring love after 1 month is a bit too fast, but we'll talk about that in a moment.
22% thinks you should at least wait a few months before saying the three words in a row. And a small 3% is strict (and not a little): they think you should wait at least a year. See, there is no golden rule. It’s about what loving means to you.
Before you say ‘it’, ask yourself the following three questions:
- Do you really feel it or is it just infatuation?
- Are you saying it because you mean it and not to get something in return?
- Are you brave enough to be vulnerable, even if you don't know what the other will say?
Can you be too quick?
Some couples grow extremely close to each other in a short time. Think of experiencing an intense event together or being together non-stop for weeks (for whatever reason). Your brain then produces the same cuddle hormones (the feel-good substances released in your body when you cuddle, kiss, make love, or just hold someone's hand) that come later in other relationships. So yes, sometimes it feels like you've been together for years after just four weeks.
On average, men say “I love you” after 3.5 months, women after about 4 months according to research from Abertay University (Guardian, 2023). But ultimately: it’s not about whether you’re on time or too early, it’s about whether it’s real and that you truly feel it. Have you been intensely together for four weeks? Then it’s not so strange that you have the ‘loving feelings’.
Help, I'm reading this article too late!
Okay, suppose: you blurted it out and it was actually quite… awkward. After reading this article, you might realize that it was perhaps more infatuation you felt than real love. I can see you sitting there sweating and thinking: ‘help, what should I do?’
Honestly? You can't take it back –sorry girl. But… you don't have to. What you can do is just be honest. For example, say casually: “Yeah, I know I said it early, but I just felt really in love at that moment.” That takes the pressure off. Infatuation sometimes makes you impulsive. And you know: that's actually quite a charm. If you can feel and give a lot of love, that's only a beautiful thing. Don't be ashamed and embrace that – and what you love.
