The average Dutch person has this many friends
Recently someone asked me: “How many real friends do you actually have?” And honestly? I was momentarily at a loss for words. Because, when is someone really a true friend? The colleagues I have drinks with every Friday after work? Or that old classmate I haven’t spoken to in five years but still faithfully like on Insta? And how many friends is normal to have? I came to the question: How many friends does the average Dutch person actually have? And when are you really good friends?
Wait what?!
The answer is surprisingly sober (and secretly quite reassuring): the average Dutch person has about four to five real friends. Yep, that’s it. Quality over quantity, shall we say. Before you end up in a friendship crisis or desperately scroll through your WhatsApp contacts list because you want at least ten people on that best friends list: it says nothing about your popularity. On the contrary, it’s actually perfectly normal if you can’t come up with ten good friends. According to sociologists, we are simply not made to maintain dozens of deep friendships. And to be honest: four or five friends are already quite a handful to keep up with. Our brains simply can’t handle more than a handful easily. “Quality over quantity” is not just an Instagram quote here, but plain hard science. This is how you recognize a true friendship.
Inner circle vs. outer circle
So we have an average handful of inner circle friends – your ride or die’s, your cocktail squad, those two girlfriends with whom you discuss everything, including that embarrassing story from last Saturday. But outside of that? There’s a slightly larger circle: on average, a Dutch person has about 12 to 15 friends who are a bit less close, but still important enough to invite to your birthday or baby shower. Okay, not everyone manages to gather even five people for a party – and that’s perfectly fine. You don’t need a room full of people to feel like it’s your birthday; sometimes that one glass of wine with your best friend is worth more than twenty people who are mainly there for the snacks - awkward. Throwing a nice dinner for your birthday to celebrate with your inner circle? Here you can read about the perfect menu.
And then you have a whole swarm of acquaintances – on average 40 to 50 people – whom you occasionally talk to, but who you wouldn’t call if you’re stuck with a flat tire on the A2 at night. Those colleagues from your first part-time job, that acquaintance from your tennis club, or that friend of a friend… they all belong, but they’re not inner circle material.
Friendship nowadays: more texts, less time
Funny enough, we are more focused on friendship than ever, but we see each other less and less. The culprits: Busy schedules, flexible working, a million hobbies, and of course our best friend and biggest enemy: the smartphone. Sending a quick text (“how’s it going, darling?”) is so easy, but spending hours together at the table? Doesn’t always fit between Pilates, work calls, and your date with Netflix. Here you can read about 4 texting habits that indicate you’re in a good relationship (and yes, this also applies to a friendship). It’s not that bad, don’t worry. A text can sometimes help maintain a friendship. But to be honest, you miss -just like I do- drinking cocktails and talking for hours with friends.
Where once a fixed group of girlfriends was the standard, nowadays almost everyone has different ‘friend groups’ for different occasions. A gym buddy here, a work friend for that lunch on Friday, and that one friend you’ve known for twenty years but mainly talk to at important milestones. All valuable, all different. You know what you have in each other and that’s what’s beautiful.
How many friends should you have?
Let go of that “should” right away. There’s no magical number of friends that will make you happy. For one person, one loyal BFF is enough, while another is only happy with a friend group of eight. What’s more important is that you feel connected, that you have people you can turn to, and that you maintain those friendships – no matter how small or large your circle is.
So: the next time you think: “Shouldn’t I have more friends?”, remember this: you probably have exactly the number that your heart, mind, and schedule can handle. And that one friend who always shares her gin and tonic with you while she can talk for hours about her love problems? That’s worth more than those five followers on TikTok who always comment on every video – sweet, but not someone you can always turn to.
5 Tips to maintain your friendship
- Be open. Share the difficult things too – honesty creates bonds.
- Plan contact. Put coffee dates or call moments in your calendar.
- Make plans. Texting is nice, but seeing each other is worth its weight in gold and secretly much more fun.
- Tell them. Let them know that you appreciate your friends and that you care about them.
- Celebrate your friendship. Seize every reason to do something fun together, going out on a random Thursday? Sure!
Image: Instagram|Roxy.dekker/Rhodeekok
